Q: “How’s Heidi doing?”
A: “I don’t want to tempt fate but she’s doing really well thanks” *touch wood / fingers crossed / hope I haven’t jinxed it*
A pretty standard conversation in my world/head. Someone asks how Heidi’s doing and inwardly go into a quiet panic. If I say she’s doing well, will that curse things? Should I play it down when we’re having a good spell, in case things rapidly change and it would all be my fault? Will people think badly of me if I say we’re good, when I know so many others are having a tough time? Will that positive comment come back to bite me?
I shared a post a few months ago on Facebook:
“A rare thing is happening – Heidi is sleeping through…totally get that I have now jinxed it, and also appreciate that sleep is a precious commodity many parents (especially those who have kiddies with extra needs) miss out on. Coming up to 9 years of broken nights, I’m celebrating the last 3 sleeps.
A GP friend of mine pointed out in the comments that there’s no such thing as jinxing. Whether the sleep continues or not it has happened, and nothing can take that away.
As so many things do, it got me thinking.
Since having Heidi my view on fate has changed. I used to think that everything happened for a reason, that fate would work things out. I no longer believe that. Sometimes things don’t have a reason (including big things like why did Heidi collapse just after she was born?). It wasn’t fate. I wasn’t “chosen” to be Heidi’s Mum because I could cope any better than the next person or had any secret powers. I grew resilient, and strong, and continue to have wobbles because of our situation.
By celebrating the good days, I’m now refusing to believe that I will cause any bad days. I hope they are few and far between, but if I worry about them before they happen, it won’t change the outcome and I’ll be missing out on today, which is always the most important time.
(And just for the record, the sleep has been a bit hit and miss, but I’ll take the naps where I can!).