Today blogging is tougher than usual.
So far, I’ve part written three posts, discarding all of them in the end.
I feel like I’ve run out of words.
I have the beginnings of a migraine, have a mountain of work to do and time is dragging.
And I’m tired.
All the above are signs of someone who hasn’t had enough sleep and who is just plain out of reserves.
SN parents reading this will recognise that those reserves were used up years ago, and decent sleep hasn’t been had in months if not years.
Today is one of those days when things are just harder than usual.
This week, my brother and his partner have taken their children away camping for a week.
The kids were bubbling over with excitement on Saturday as they piled into the car waiting to leave.
I love those kids, but with all the building work going on and additional stress that brings with it, I’m just a little more sensitive than usual.
Hearing my 3-year-old nephew chatting away excitedly to his toys made me smile but then turn away quickly so the tears wouldn’t be noticed.
At 3 years old, he has already far overtaken my boy developmentally.
At 7 years old my son is becoming too heavy to lift comfortably.
His Dad can do so, but even he is starting to struggle.
All children reach a size where their parents are unable to lift them easily, it’s just that for most of the time those children are able to stand and walk on their own.
For us, the realisation that our boy is getting so tall is a double edged sword – it’s something we didn’t dare hope for when he was a baby, yet it’s a reminder that while he continues to grow normally, his abilities are unable to keep up.
I thought I’d reached a level of acceptance where seeing developmentally normal, healthy children wouldn’t break my heart quite so much anymore.
People tend to try and make you feel better by reminding you of how wonderful YOUR child is, and how much they have achieved despite prognoses, disabilities, illness… believe me, my grief at what my son has and will miss out on in no way means I love him any less.
I love that child fiercely and celebrate every achievement no matter how small, because it has been hard won.