Ready to start our family we were full of excitement and hope. After 18 months of trying every trick in the book I was a little broken and scared.
Tears streamed down my face as I voiced my fears aloud to a doctor for the first time. What followed was a steady stream of appointments, tests, examinations and a mounting frustration.
Everything was normal, why wasn’t I falling pregnant.
We started fertility treatment and after four rounds, we fell pregnant. And then in an instant it was over. A chemical pregnancy they called it.
So desperate to become a mother I plowed onto IVF treatment within 6 weeks. I forced all my emotions and feeling down and locked them away. I’ll revisit them later I thought.
Our IVF was a stressful, invasive process but a miracle occurred and we were pregnant! This was it, we were going to be parents. We were the lucky ones.
We had a pre booked trip away booked with close family and decided to go as a way of celebration, it was to be a nice weekend away on the South West coast of England looking at wedding venues.
Shortly after arrival I knew something was wrong.
What started off as feeling uncomfortable progressed over the next day to full on cramping and pain. On our second night away we lost our baby.
We were away from home, away from the comfort of our own bed, our own surroundings.
I have never felt despair like I did that day. Our dream ripped away from us so cruelly. The world carried on, how could it? Didn’t it realise the pain and loss we had suffered.
I saw people enjoying their days with laughter and smiles while I felt dead inside, empty.
I entered a deep depression that was hard to overcome. Our consultant said we had been unlucky and that should be try again we would be likely to have success. The fear of it happening again was crippling, but the hope burned bright.
That hope pushed me forward in those darkest of days. I researched every possible supplement, activity and process I could adapt into my life to give us the very best chance a second time round.
I became focused, I became a little obsessed.
I adopted mindfulness meditation which helped me to relax and try and see the positives in mundane everyday activities. It worked incredibly well. I focused on me and finding myself after years of pain and sadness. I spent time doing little things that made me smile.
I miss and love my angel babies, I long to hold them in my arms one day. I have been truly blessed to have their earth side twin siblings who have healed my broken heart.