With all my children, I have been determined to breastfeed however I have varied in the time I have managed to do this ranging from 6 weeks to a year (so far).

My latest experience has been with my youngest who I am still feeding as she approaches one year old.

I had decided before I had given birth and knew about her problems that I would try and breastfeed until I was back at work, just due to the financial side of things.

The cost of formula is so much, when I could get milk for free. We did still get the steriliser, bottles and a tub of formula just in case I couldn’t feed her myself.

Although I personally think breastfeeding is super beneficial, I believe fed is best.

I have always generally breastfed for the financial reason and the ease of having perfect temperature milk on tap, literally.

It has been easier to a degree, I have had the odd look of ‘is she breastfeeding?’ but generally I have only ever had positive experiences.

Then my baby girl was born, and this sudden ease of breastfeeding changed.

It started as soon as she was born, she struggled to latch on but after a few days she eventually learnt to.

In fact, for the first 48-72 hours she didn’t eat anything and would have to be fed through a syringe.

Even now she finds latching on hard, she has never fully been able to do it correctly. The small spurts of feeding when I had to wake her up was just down to her being a lazy baby.

I was concerned but as everyone was saying she was fine I just went about life and carried on trying to feed as best as I could.

In fact, I even tried to bottle feed knowing some babies just can’t breastfeed sometimes.

We were sent to a doctor where they were trying to find the cause of her hypotonia, they were asking about all her symptoms and I mentioned the fact she didn’t feed like the other children did, she didn’t latch on right and that she coughed a lot and would choke.

They suddenly started to take my concerns seriously and she wasn’t a lazy baby.

They ruled out that my milk flow was strong and all of a sudden we were dealing with something called Oral Dysphagia and potentially an unsafe swallow.

I asked if I should go onto bottles because I have heard they are easier for the baby to feed from, but also because I had heard through the grape vine that you couldn’t breastfeed if you child had a feeding problem.

I was told to keep breastfeeding if I wanted to as she was growing with breastfeeding whereas if I changed to bottle feeding she may stop feeding and therefore stop growing.

Now my baby is nearly a year old, I get the odd look when I breastfeed in public.

I still try to be discreet about it more because I don’t want the whole world to see my breasts, but I am happy to feed anywhere and everywhere.

I have also noticed since my oldest daughter, who is now 8, there are so many more nursing areas.

My local shopping centre has a nursing room with big comfortable nursing chairs. They have bottle warmers in but are also a quiet, clean place to feed.

You see a lot more ‘Breastfeeding Friendly’ stickers at attractions, so days out I feel even more at ease to feed my daughter.

Due to her not being able to latch on properly, sometimes feeding her does hurt or feel more uncomfortable then I felt with my other children.

It is also horrible to see her choke and see her throat muscles give up on her when she feeds sometimes.

I am, however, grateful she can feed, I am grateful that it gives me time to be with her like any ‘normal’ baby and mother.

It gives me 10 minutes just me and her in this unique bubble of everything will be ok.

I have been asked when will I stop breastfeeding and my answer is when my baby doesn’t need to.

I never imagined I would be feeding a baby with teeth, let alone a baby who has feeding difficulties.

I have also been asked why I breastfeed if I have so much trouble, and the answer is because if I can give her the best possible start and the most organic natural way of feeding then I will try.

There are so many differing views on the best way to feed babies but to me as long as my baby is happy and fed then bottle or breast is best.

I had friends I could ask advice on all aspects of parenting, nappy rash, bottles and sleeping etc.

I had a whole social web where if I had a question I knew where to turn.

Even with my son who has autism quite a few people either have a child with ASD or a family member with ASD. So again, I had so many places to turn to discuss my son.

I had health visitors and groups to support me in my journey and I could pass on my advice when needed as well.

Then I was pregnant with my 4th baby.

To start with the same social circles worked. Discussing scans, discussing what pushchair and highchair we were getting.

Then my baby girl was born and within a couple of months, I noticed people started to stop asking about my baby’s development, they stopped saying what their babies were up to, they stopped discussing what toys and groups they were attending.

I started to realise people in baby groups would give me the sympathetic look when their child was rolling or started to sit, while my baby girl just laid there.

It was so isolating. I did still have a couple of people, do not get me wrong, but my whole spider web of help, support and friendship had gone.

I know that people just didn’t know what to say, they didn’t want to upset me or make it seem like they were bragging but I just felt so alone.

I had lost my little circle of closeness, as people thought I had too much on to help them.

They felt like they couldn’t ask me about the fact their baby still hasn’t sat up at 6 months as my baby hadn’t even rolled.

I then started to feel lost, as the appointments got on top of me, when adaptations and different therapies were being discussed.

I didn’t know where to turn, I have an amazing health visitor but she isn’t a ‘friend’ as such.

I didn’t have anyone to go ‘fancy a trip to the coffee house, I need your advice on whether we should start hydrotherapy’.

I just felt like I was treading water and barely keeping my head above the water.

Then I started to google online forums, online help and communities and I suddenly found parents on the same journey, either at the same point in the journey or years down the line.

I found parents who are undiagnosed like us, where we can inbox and discuss how worried we are, or our little achievements.

I found parents with a known condition who just needed a rant at the world as they had encountered strangers who had commented harshly on their children.

I found forums where you could discuss different therapies and different equipment.

I haven’t met anyone face to face but knowing they are there at the end of the internet feels amazing.

I am starting to find my way, I am starting to get my advice web back.

I am finding new people and learning new stories and it is amazing experience that the parents of disability just join forces, are so friendly and are so welcoming.

I am starting to feel less isolated and more like I can take on the world again.

I am so thankful for the internet and for the communities out there, they really are a lifesaver.

The children have so much energy and it’s the time of year when you can open the patio doors and watch as they run in and out the house, filling the atmosphere with laughter.

It is the time of year where the darkness has started to lift in emotions as well.

You don’t feel like so much is on your shoulders when the sun is out.

It is amazing what the sun can do.

It is the time of year when you can plan on going outside and going on nature walks and getting the bug spot book out.

It’s the time of year when I can get the picnic basket out and we can all sit and eat together even if it is on our lawn.

It is the time of year when the ice cream van comes down the road and the excited children dripping of pool water run with you to the ice cream van and ponder over which ice cream will be the best option.

It is just the time of year where being a parent really explodes into fun and laughter.

It however is also the time of year of no routine.

it is the time of year when my son is getting prepared to go up to a different class and he is started to get anxious.

It is the time of year when my other son is going to be starting school and my autistic son cannot quite understand why his little brother is going to be, not only in his school, but is going to be in his old classroom with his old teacher.

It is the time of year where my son is so anxious he is up all night, where because the sun is up, he must be up. Which means he is getting about 2 hours of sleep per night.

It is the time of year where the parks and beach, in fact everywhere, is busy, it’s noisy and it’s not comfortable for my son to walk around.

It is the time of year where I am researching as many alternative therapies I can to keep my son calm during these exciting school holidays.

I am researching aroma therapy, different breathing techniques and different sensory touch therapies which will keep my boy calm while out and about.

It is the time of year that fills me with such joy and yet at the same time with such dread.

Saying all that, I will always love this time of year as the sun gives me that energy boost I need to look after 2 children with disabilities.

It is the time of year to make memories and memories we shall make.

I thought the time I was waiting for an appointment for my son would be the only appointment I would be stressing about.

How wrong could I have been?

Fast forward a year and the length of a consultant’s waiting list is the least of my problems.

I have learnt in the last 6 months more medical jargon than I have in all my life.

I have been on Google more times than I have eaten a hot meal to research different conditions, different symptoms, just in case there is a new article regarding a child that is similar to my baby that wasn’t there yesterday.

I have learnt what the difference between developing slow, development delay and global development delay is.

I have learnt that the doctors do not know everything and even when there are lots of symptoms sometimes the doctors still scratch their heads.

I have learnt polite answers to people who say ‘there isn’t anything wrong’ ‘all babies develop differently she just doesn’t want to move’ when all I want to do is break down and cry and ask ‘were you in the last appointment? Did you hear what the doctors said? Are you better than the doctors?’

I never thought my life would be so full of appointments.

That my calendar would now be jam packed with occupational therapy, physio therapy, support workers and hospital visits.

I never knew an ‘open access letter’ for our local hospitals paediatrics ward existed until a couple of months ago.

I didn’t realise that it takes 11 minutes from my house to the hospital on a good run.

I just didn’t know how much my life would change.

I look back at how I worried over the fact my other babies didn’t crawl at 6 months like their friends and now just shrug and say my baby will crawl or walk or move when she wants.

My mothering has completely changed. My life has completely changed.

I bought a highchair that will probably never be used and even though my daughter is 10 months old the high chair just sits at the end of the table gathering dust, I can’t quite bring myself to get rid of it, yet deep down realistically I know it will never be used.

I have sold all the rockers, all the activity tables I had excitedly got while I was pregnant as I don’t want to be reminded that my baby is globally delayed.

I am sure one day she will be ready to play with them but for now I am not emotionally strong enough for that reminder in the nursery.

I now don’t brag at going to baby sensory class and buying sensory toys, I now go to sensory classes and buy sensory toys because my baby needs them.

I have learnt so much since last year and I realise that my journey is just beginning.

I am now starting to look at adapted equipment to help bath my baby, feed my baby and help my baby play.  I am starting to learn of new forums and charities who can help support us.

I have learnt to celebrate every little thing and have learnt that my daughter is perfect she is just unique.

My journey is just starting.

My daughter has shown me so much already I wonder what she will show and teach me in the years to come.