Let’s Talk About Our Mental Health…

Did you know about 25% of the UK population will experience some kind of mental health problem this year – it most likely to be a combination of anxiety or depression.

Statistics also tell us that more women than men are treated for a mental health problem each year.

Does this sound familiar? Yeah I bet it does.

I’d say our chances of falling into that 25% are a good bit higher than the average mum – wouldn’t you?

I want to talk about this because I don’t want you to make the same mistake I did.

Shortly after finding out that our much wanted first born son had special needs and would need life-long care, I began to experience mental health problems.

I know what they are now, at the time I didn’t have a clue what was happening to me.

I HAD to be the strong one, I had to answer everyone’s questions, reassure everyone that it would be OK, that we would cope – so outwardly I think I put on a pretty good front.

No one ever asked if I was OK, so I’m assuming I did a good job at pretending. Inside, I wasn’t doing just as well.

I felt like a horrendous weight was dragging me down, I was constantly fighting through a thick cloud of fog – even the simplest of tasks felt like I was climbing mountain.

I think I spent more time crying than not.

I stopped going out, I stopped seeing friends and I stopped doing the things I enjoyed.

But I absolutely did not need any help. Asking for help would be a sign of weakness, taking medication would be a sign that I was not coping, I was sure no one would want to listen to how I was feeling.

In hindsight, now I’m in a brighter and better place, I wish I could give my old self a good shake.

I recently hurt my back, I immediately went to my GP, started a course of anti-inflammatory medication and spent a small fortune on physiotherapy treatment.

However, when it came to my mental health why did I think seeking the same help would be a sign of weakness?

Please don’t make the same mistake I did.

I managed to climb out of a deep dark hole very slowly, but it took far longer than it should have.

How much time did I waste by not asking for help?

I’ll never know now, but what I do know is that if I should ever feel myself sinking into that place again, I will most definitely be asking for help.

Time to Talk is urging us all to Take 5. http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/timetotalkday

Take 5 with a friend to find out how they’re doing, watch and share their film or have a conversation online – these are all small things you can do to make a big difference. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5EvbjiaCcw&feature=youtu.be

Why not introduce yourself in the Firefly Garden, you’ll find a supportive group of parents, therapists and carers. It could be the start of a better and brighter future for you too. http://community.fireflyfriends.com/community/viewthread/122/

The GoTo Shop

If I do venture into a store with Daniel in his wheelchair, ​I’ve always found Tesco staff very helpful (maybe I’m biased as I was one for 4 years).

They’ll go and get me items, help me pack and even offer to help me out to the car.

However, the most I am able to buy on any one visit with Daniel is one or, at a push, two bags worth of items.

It’s not easy pushing a wheelchair, keeping Daniel’s 4 year old brother under control and carrying a basket.

Daniel is now too big for a standard trolley – with his super long, wiggly legs I can’t lift him high enough to guide his legs into the seat.

One basket is never going to feed a family of four for a week.

This means that I have two options: I can go the shops every day or I can shop online.

I think that’s part of the reason why I stick to Tesco – it’s easy, my online list is already set up.

It’s a pain going somewhere new and starting a new online list!

It’s OK shopping online, but it would be nice to have the choice.

So when I heard the news that Sainsbury’s had purchased 600 GoTo Shops, which provide a larger seat for children with special needs, including a five point harness, lateral support and an open front for ease of transfer, my first thought was, ‘Aww – I wish it was Tesco!’

But, I was determined to have a go and, last Tuesday, I headed out to do my first weekly shop at Sainsbury’s with Daniel in tow.

So what did I think?

Well more importantly, what did Daniel think?

He was very happy and comfortable in the GoTo Shop, it gave him just the support he needed.

He happily allowed me to wander up and down each aisle doing my shopping – just like any other family across the UK.

It was really lovely to involve him in something that is seen as a chore – it was a whole new sensory experience for him touching different items and packages, lots of lights and noises and people stopping to talk to him.

I also met a friend, we stopped to have a chat – this reminded me of the social experience that shopping is!

I would say that the trolley is slightly smaller than a standard trolley, but this just made me choose more carefully.

It is slightly different to push than a standard trolley but I soon got the hang of it. There’s only one of them so you’re reliant on it being available at the time you choose to go shopping.

In most stores the trolley is kept at the Customer Services desk so this may cause difficulty in getting it out to your car – the last thing you want to do it get your child out of the car into their wheelchair/buggy just to find the trolley – but with most supermarkets there are usually staff in the car park collecting trolleys who are available to help.

So all in all – it was a lovely experience!

Sitting up nice and tall in front of me – I got lots of eye contact and chatter from Daniel which was an added bonus.

Now that I have tried it and it was a success, Tesco may have just lost a customer…

Have you used a GoTo Shop in a Sainsbury’s store?

Why not review it and support our Campaign to get these trolleys into every store by clicking here.

We want every family with a child who has special needs to have the opportunity to shop where and when they want – with your support we can get a GoTo Shop in every supermarket making it a fun family experience for everyone.

Space to Change Update

Just before Christmas I emailed a local shopping centre to ask them to provide Space to Change.

The Centre Manager asked to me call in – it was a great visit – not only because Karen Marshall, the Centre Manager of Bow Street Mall in Lisburn, Northern Ireland was keen to get involved, but also, she wanted to help me get information out about the campaign to all the shopping centres in Northern Ireland through the NI Regional of Shopping Centres. ​

So far, the response has been great and, just last week, I received an email inviting me to visit a shopping centre in Antrim (Northern Ireland), Castle Mall.

Yesterday, I set out on a very cold and snowy day along the M2 motorway to meet Theresa Murray, Centre Manager.

Theresa showed me the shopping centre’s existing facilities, which were already pretty amazing for families.

They included two changing areas, a breast feeding chair, a cubicle with an adult and toddler toilet.

Theresa explained that they would like to extend an existing bench in order to receive an Orange Space to Change Award.

I explained that it would be better for the bench to be around waist height for ease of transfer in comparison to the above waist height that baby changing units are often placed at.

We talked about privacy, hygiene and space being the key components of a good Space to Change venue coupled with understanding from venue staff.

Castle Mall is located in the centre of Antrim Mall and I am sure that having a Space to Change award will encourage many families to visit the shopping centre to use the facilities which will also be a boost to stores located in Castle Mall.

I’m looking forward to receiving a call or email from Theresa so I can visit again, this time to present them with their Orange Award.

So I’ve sent just one email that resulted in 6 shopping centres in Northern Ireland currently making changes to receive a Space to Change Award.

My goal is that every shopping centre in Northern Ireland will provide Space to Change.

If you’d like to get involved why not become a Space to Change Champion just like me.

All you need to do is ask just one question: ‘Could your business provide Space to Change?’

It could make a real difference for your family and others in your area.

If you have any questions get in touch via the Contact Form.

For up-to-date campaign news click here.

You Soon Find Out Who Your Friends Are…

We can apply this to pretty much every bad situation.

You lose your wealth &ndasndash; you soon find out who your friends are, you lose your fame you soon find out who your friends are, you’re diagnosed with a horrible disease, you soon find out who your friends are!

Well I had a disabled child and I soon found out who my friends were. I started my pregnancy with two close friends who were also pregnant each with their second child.

They were my go-to girls, one I’d went to university with, the other was the my closest friend at work and although they didn’t actually know each other I spent most of my time with one or the other.

They guided me through pregnancy with gentle encouragement and reassurance!

Finding out I had a disabled child was a bit of a slow burner, everything appeared quite ‘normal’ until she started missing those dreaded milestones and so began our rollercoaster of a ride into the world of disability and special needs.

About 6 months along that new frightening path I began to notice that one of my friends was starting to be a bit distant with me, our weekly get togethers were being cancelled or being rearranged in busy, loud places that my then one year old non sitter, non crawler couldn’t cope with.

There were a few comments that made me stop and think ‘You’re lucky she can’t climb out of her cot’ and similar 5 years on and I no longer see this friend at all – it makes me sad, I’m not sure why she cut us out – was it all just too hard, too much work, too many tears…

Who knows!

But boy did my other friend step up to the mark, the day after our very first Paediatrician’s appointment, over 5 years ago now she said to me ‘It could’ve so easily been my daughter, my family and everyday I’ll ask myself what would I want you do if it was the other way round’.

What this means is she doesn’t just offer help she goes ahead and does it – casseroles appear ready to be heated, she comes to visit and shoos me upstairs for an hours sleep, she fundraisers endlessly to help us buy expensive equipment.

She is quite simply amazing.

If you are reading this as friend of someone with a disabled child – remind yourself it could’ve been you and ask yourself what would you want your friends to do to help you?

Everyday, I thank my lucky stars that I found out who my friend was.

 

Everything You Need to Know About BUDZ – Special Needs Dribble Bibs

BUDZ are style statements that manage mess.

Handmade from a double-layer of bright, thick fleece and a finished with a soft, extra-absorbent cotton, BUDZ keep kids clean and dry for hours at a time.

Soft on skin and kind to clothes, BUDZ have three nickel-free poppers for easy-adjustment and withstand repeated machine-washing at up to 40 degrees.

Drips and drops get soaked up in style, so you can forget the multiple outfit-changes.

After you get BUDZ you’ll never change a thing.

Three Books That Teach Other Children About Disabilities

Sometimes, we simply don’t have the right words to explain difficult subjects to our children.

Talking to our kids about people with special needs and disabilities can be a daunting subject to tackle, especially if we are explaining the needs or disabilities of a sibling, friend, or relative.

Luckily for all of us, there are some great books out there written to not only help explain and encourage children to embrace people with disabilities, but to also help kids with special needs interact with their peers.

Here’s a look at three top-rated books available right now on bookseller sites like Amazon or Barnes and Noble.

Special Brothers and Sisters: Stories and Tips for Siblings of Children with a Disability or Serious Illness by Jessica Kingsley

In this touching book comprised of real-life accounts from siblings of children with special needs or serious illnesses, kids from age 3 to 18 tell in their own words what life is like living with their special sibling.

These stories chronicling the tales of 40 different families share a lot of advice for parents and siblings on how to deal with the things happening in their families.

Kingsley also provides a child-friendly glossary to explain the many different disabilities and medical conditions mentioned throughout the book including words like ADHD, autism, cerebral palsy, cystic fybrosis, and more.

Many Ways to Learn: Young People’s Guide to Learning Disabilities by Judith M. Stern and Uzi Ben Ami

This guide uses a positive, friendly approach to define and illustrate the different types of learning disabilities as well as their origins, while providing reassurance to the child about their disability.

The book also describes the effects learning disabilities may have on emotions, behavior, and academic performance while offering proven coping methods for home, school, and friendships.

In addition to featuring a first-person account from a child with learning disabilities, the guide also includes a chapter on computers and an excellent resource list for parents.

The overall message in Many Ways to Learn is having a learning disability doesn’t make a child dumb—they just have to work harder and find different ways to learn.

Friendly Facts: A Fun, Interactive Resource to Help Children Explore the Complexities of Friends and Friendships by Margaret-Ann Carter and Josie Santamauro

Every child longs to make friends and get along well with others, but for kids on the autism spectrum, this doesn’t come easy.

This interactive workbook, aimed at children ages 7 to 11, teaches kids a range of strategies directed at broadening their social understanding skills through fun activities meant to be appealing to today’s youth.

Children will explore and put to  real-life tests with activities that explore five different themes including “What is a Friend?,” “Being a Friend,” “Making Friends,” “Real Friends,” and “Staying Friends.”

By targeting the specific ages of 7-11, this workbook teaches ASD children how to participate in successful human interactions during a time in which friendships and peer acceptance are crucial.

Epilepsy: The Forest Fire

Aaron was a happy little boy, he loved his football and he had an answer for everything.

He had started nursery in the September of 2008 and was doing really well. His nursery teachers said he was a joy to have around.

The Christmas after he started nursery through to Easter was difficult for us, Aaron was very unwell during this time.

He had a chest infection, a persistent cough and although he was still his happy playful self, things got worse and he was vomiting up to 40 times a day.

My concerns were dismissed; ‘it’s viral’ ‘you’re worrying too much’ and even ‘he’s playing for attention.’

But, one morning I woke to find Aaron clammy, waxy and bubbling at the mouth – we headed to the hospital.

Aaron was admitted for 5 days with low blood sugar but after asking again for a reason for the vomiting and coughing they went on to do various tests and a CT scan but he was eventually discharged – we were none the wiser.

That very night, Aaron had gone upstairs, I called to him but he didn’t respond.

I found him in the bathroom having what I now know to be a seizure.

We spent over a year trying to understand what was happening with Aaron even spending time in PICU.

They’d flown in a Doctor from Birmingham Children’s Hospital and we got a diagnosis of FIRES disease.

Aaron’s doctor had worked in Melbourne where she had seen a case similar but extremely rare.

She decided to test Aaron and we waited 12 weeks to be told this was an auto-immune/post viral related illness.

FIRES disease was only newly diagnosed a few years previous and with no known cases in the UK so we had no clue what we were dealing with (neither did the doctors), in fact the not knowing what was ahead of us has probably got us through the last few years.

When Aaron had a viral infection the previous year, his immune system had gone into overdrive and started attacking his body,which resulted in his seizures, Great Ormond Street hospital decided because of how rare and destructive this illness was that they would have Aaron as a primary patient, and he is now a candidate for the first UK trial for the medical Cannabis treatment due to start 2015.

There is only one other case of FIRES disease in the UK and a very small number worldwide but we do draw strength from each other and learn from each other’s experiences.

It’s difficult to think back to the early days after Aaron’s diagnosis, he was very aware of what was happening to him and he was frightened.

He would say ‘the fizzies are coming’ when he felt his seizures and ‘am I going to die?’ – Which was heart-breaking for us.

FIRES disease is just that – a fire that swept through his brain, we watched helplessly as his speech disappeared, his understanding, his colourful and bright personality his mobility – everything was destroyed.

Our little boy, who once had the nurses wrapped around his finger with his cheek and his charm was slowly being destroyed with FIRES.

Aaron is still regressing, his epilepsy is causing other unpleasant conditions; a psychosis type disorder and Eases,which causes Aaron’s brain to become overactive when he is tired.

This only affects 1% of people who have epilepsy and sometimes I do think to myself ‘What are the chances?’

We have to remember that Aaron is still here, he’s still with us and I can still see a little spark in his eye – it’s what keeps me going and seeing his big infectious smile, but at Birthdays and Christmas we do grieve, we grieve for the little boy Aaron should have been, I’m sad that Adam doesn’t have an older brother that he can play with, I’m sad that Aaron doesn’t have the life he should have had and I’m sad that I can’t watch our wedding video because it shows a laughing, chatting, running Aaron.

I find it difficult to have ‘pre FIRES’ photos of Aaron around or any of his things from his first 4 years.

They’re stored away and I know that in the future there will be a time that they will represent precious memories but at the moment while we fight for Aaron, they’re just too sad a reminder of what could’ve been – what should’ve been.

FIRES disease means having a plan but not being able to plan.

I know this doesn’t make sense but it’s our life. We have a plan for Aaron, it does change depending on how he is and at one stage it was palliative care plan, but we always have a plan.  On the other hand, we can’t plan ahead – we can’t plan days out, holidays or even a trip to the shop.

Aaron may not have visible seizures everyday but when a cluster of seizures hits we know we’re in for a bit of trouble – this can happen every 7-10 days and we get no indication that a cluster is on its way, just recently he went into status resulting in him spending time in PICU on a ventilator and in an induced coma where he seizured for a continuous 8 days.

People don’t always understand what it means not to be able to plan ahead, it means we let people down – a lot.

We don’t mean to but it’s just the way things are.

We’ve lost a lot of friends over the years, I think they just got tired of asking and tired of us cancelling.

But we’re thankful for those that are still around and the support of family – even though looking after Aaron can be a scary experience.

We’re an extremely happy family, one that’s been strengthened by what we’ve been through and for that I’m thankful.

I hope that by sharing Aaron’s story we’ll help raise awareness of the devastating impact of epilepsy. And from one mum to another, ‘it’s only viral’ is not good enough if you are worried about your child – trust your instincts.

Febrile infection-related epilepsy syndrome (FIRES) is a severe brain disorder that develops in children after a fever.

This condition results in sudden seizures and leads to declines in memory and intellectual ability.

FIRES can also cause psychiatric disorders or problems with motor skills.

The cause of FIRES is unknown, but may be related to infection, genetic susceptibility, an autoimmune disorder, or a problem with metabolism.

Treatment involves anti-epileptic medications to manage seizures, but they do not usually work well.

Epilepsy: The Jigsaw Destroyer

Doctors are unsure that this is Nicole’s full diagnosis and she continues to undergo genetic testing in the DDD Study. Nicole had a lot to live up to, her older sister Natasha met all of her milestones early and people often remarked on how advanced she was.

Although Nicole wasn’t quite so advanced, she too met all her milestones even if she did walk a little late. Our Health Visitor was always pleased with her progress.

Nicole was doing everything I expected her to be doing, toddling around, chatting away and generally getting into mischief.

Life was good and I had very little to worry about.

Then came that day, a day that will be imprinted in my memory forever.

At 18 months old, 17 days after her MMR jab Nicole had her first seizure.

I think of Nicole’s life like a jigsaw – one that we had lovingly built, watching this amazing picture appear of a beautiful little girl, with an infectious smile and endearing manner.

Then along came epilepsy and slowly it destroyed that jigsaw starting in the middle and methodically picking out the middle pieces and throwing them away without any regard for what it was leaving behind.

We watched helplessly as our little girl lost all those skills she’d worked so hard to learn.

18 months later, all that was left of the jigsaw was the outside pieces.

Nicole was a shell of the little girl we once knew.

She’d lost all of her speech and all of her self-help skills, she could no longer feed herself or play with toys as you’d expect her to.

Over the years we’d tried desperately to replace the pieces, and for a few days, weeks or even months, we’d see Nicole regain some of what she’d lost.

But then a cluster of seizures would hit and like a tornado, sweep through the jigsaw blowing away the pieces we’d searched so hard to find.

So since the age of 3 Nicole has made little to no progress in terms of her development.

We have tried all licensed and unlicensed drugs available, the Ketogenic Diet, VNS, alternative therapies, prayer and faith healing.

We’ve been to Great Ormond Street on numerous occasions but surgeries have been ruled out. In the early days, we used to count the seizures.

Once we got past 70 we thought what’s the point?

Today, we very rarely count them.

Nicole has clusters of seizures of every type – from startle seizures caused by noises you and I wouldn’t even notice to tonic-clonic seizures that often result in a hospital visit.

Nicole’s seizures, 13 years later, still aren’t controlled. But, our lives are controlled by the seizures.

We can’t leave Nicole alone, even for a second, and as she gets bigger it feels like our world is getting smaller.

A drop seizure in 3 year old is very different to a drop seizure in a 16 year old – there is less space to fall in, there are more obstacles in the way, she’s harder to catch – the risks are so much greater.

We always have to think of what is best for Nicole, she loves a party but a late night or a lot of noise will definitely lead to increased seizure activity.

Do we take her ice-skating knowing that she loves it but risk her body temperature dropping or picking up a bug which again will result in a cluster of seizures.

Over the years we have learnt so much.

We’ve learnt that clusters of seizures are part of Nicole’s life – messing with medications isn’t going to help so now we know when to say no to the doctors.

I recall a time when Nicole was in hospital and a nurse went to administer some calpol, Nicole rolled her eyes.

The nurse jokingly told her off, ‘don’t be rude young lady’, I had to explain that she was having a seizure.

There are still days when I don’t trust myself, Nicole’s seizures can be so discreet – is this the usual run of the mill day or is this masking something more sinister?

I’m on constant high-alert. Nicole takes up a lot of attention and my energy and I often forget the impact that her seizures have on the rest of the family.

It’s not only the distress and helplessness that her siblings feel watching her have seizures but it’s also all the other things they miss out on like cancelled activities and how it affects their day to day lives like late school runs, making their own lunches and so on – they’ve had to grow up very quickly.

Grandparents also miss out, they don’t have the same opportunity to do all the fun things they’d looked forward to like special days out and buying treats.

We spent many years feeling very isolated as a family, the information and social networks that are available today simply weren’t there when Nicole was young.

I’ve found the support of other families in similar situations very helpful, it’s also good to hear about the medications and treatments that other children are trying.

I remain hopeful that a new treatment for Nicole and the many other children like her is just around the corner. In the meantime we continue to battle with epilepsy – the jigsaw destroyer.

For more information about Lennox Gastaut Syndrome and the DDD Study. https://www.epilepsy.org.uk/info/syndromes/lennox-gastaut-syndrome http://www.ddduk.org/

“No, Actually, Having a Disabled Child Did Not Ruin My Life. Here’s Why.”

There was a lot of devastation, hurt, blame, denial and grief that followed this time. But now when I think about this, I think; why?

Why would having a disabled child ruin my life?

Oscar was born prematurely and was very poorly when he was born. We did not know if he would survive. If anything had have happened to him, that would have ruined my life.

I will admit that I did not want this for Oscar, no parent wants their child to be ill or disabled, but, Oscar has only made our life better. He is so beautiful and special.

There is not a day goes by where I am not thankful for my son as I know that some people who have been in similar situations are not as lucky as me.

Some people do not get to take their babies home.

I cannot think of anything worse than this.

Oscar is my absolute pride and joy, the love of my life. Despite everything he is such a happy and loving little boy. Although, at times things can be challenging, we just have to get on with it. Nobody said life would be easy. And, even when times are difficult, a smile from Oscar makes everything worthwhile. Oscar’s smiles can melt even the hardest of hearts.

For me, I would not change Oscar for the world, as he would not be Oscar. To me he is perfect, even if the world sees differently.

But, would I change things for Oscar? In a heartbeat.

At the end of the day it is Oscar who is disabled, not me.

If I was not prepared to do everything I can for my son including looking after him for the rest of my life, then as far as I am concerned I should never have been a mum.

So, no, having a disabled child has not ruined my life.

I am honoured to be Oscar’s mum and I couldn’t be more proud to say that Oscar is my son.