I did not expect to be a parent of twins, let alone one with special needs.
Yet both, in their own ways, teach me more each day than I have ever learnt before.
They teach me how to love fiercely, without holding back and without conditions.
From the moment I realised I was pregnant I felt a strange sense of change in myself. That I had to be healthy and take care of not just myself, but these two tiny lives.
From ensuring what I ate was safe, to making sure I did not over-exert myself, I was taking care of my tiny babies before they were born, before they were even babies.
Those tiny balls of cells, the little blobs on the scan took up my heart without me realising it.
They teach me how to be strong and resilient, yet they also teach me that it is okay to show weakness and vulnerability.
Through the strength of coping and learning whilst going through physical and emotional changes and also preparing for a monumental change that will alter the entirety of your life- you quickly learn that a significant proportion of your life is no longer yours.
But not in a way that you want your ‘old life’ back.
In a way that you cannot imagine anything before it, that you get excited the first time your child smiles, and when you are away from them, getting a ‘break’ you cannot wait to be back with them and see them again.
Becoming a parent is terrifying, the responsibility you have for these tiny people, born far too soon is overwhelming for a variety of reasons.
The fact they depend solely on you, even before they are born is something that is difficult to comprehend before pregnancy.
You learn about a side of yourself that you have never known before.
A side that cares little for their own wellbeing as long as their children are safe.
Watching them grow and develop gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘learning something new every day’.
A baby/young child has such little control over their emotions and feelings that you learn patience and understanding on a whole new level.
You take your time to explain simple things; to comfort them whenever they need it; to hold them, whether it is 2 in the afternoon or 2 in the morning.
You are their world and they look to you for everything.
Yet they teach you that it is okay to not be okay.
Their emotions; their tears; their happiness and the way they understand the world shows you that you are allowed to have off days.
To have times where you need a little self-care and a break from everyday life.
That it is okay to want more from life, to have a different outlook on life and to be yourself.