• English
  • French
  • German
  • Italian
  • Portuguese
  • Spanish
  • Swedish
Back to Firefly Blog

A Special Needs Mum’s Inner Monologue…

A Special Needs Mum’s Inner Monologue…

I was contemplating this thought the other day and concluded that if I were to do this I would be one very lonely girl with possibly even some restraining orders thrown my way.

Why do we do it to ourselves? (Unless of course you don't, in which case go you!)

I am consistently horrible to myself in so many ways.

It would seem my inner monologue really has it in for me majority of the time.

"You're not doing enough, you're overweight, you're not worth anything, you complain too much and everyone is sick of you" and so on.

It is unrelenting and miserable.

I spend a lot of time wishing I had time to myself to relax but the reality is that as soon as I am alone I obsessively do chores and errands whilst internally berating myself.

I would say that this year is the heaviest I have ever been, it is also the worst my skin has ever been, and the year of the most doctors appointments for myself ever.

I think everything has really taken its toll on me this year - the miscarriages, the hospital visits, Amy's appointments and therapies, the admin/paperwork/phone calls, the equipment, the housing issues, just about everything.

I would love to say I am taking things in my stride and treating each new day as a blessing but right now I am one headache away from curling up in a ball and shunning all responsibility.

Yesterday as I picked my daughter up from nursery I could barely lift myself out of the car I was so exhausted.

Why did I do so much housework?

Why didn't I just take some time to breathe and calm down instead of getting all worked up?

I really wanted to take her to the park after nursery but I just couldn't muster up the energy and motivation for it.

I suppose most parents release their child into the park and the lifting isn't as intensive.

I come away from trips to the park ready for bed rest and painkillers!

But I want to try and do it whilst I can, as I know that a few years from now these trips probably won't be possible (unless we start taking a portable hoist with us for the slide or I develop super strength).

I just couldn't do it.

The voice again telling me, you don't do enough for her, you're a rubbish mother, you're not cut out for this, you're barely awake enough to sing right now.

I promised myself two days in a row now that I would go to the GP.

I know they don't love it when you turn up with multiple ailments, but something has to give when you spend life booking and attending appointments for your child!

My back is sore, my eczema flare up will not go away (probably an infection again, sigh), and mentally I am drained - no matter how much rest I get I am absolutely shattered.

It makes me feel like I am lazy or doing something wrong.

And yet, I eat my 5 a day, I do at least 30 minutes walking a day (and a lot of lifting!!), I talk about my problems and so on.

I feel like the doctor will just adjust my medication or recommend something like pilates (which I am actually doing tonight with my mum for the first time ever, cue social anxiety).

I would love to put less pressure on myself, not take things to heart, not get too bogged down with it all.

I would.

But it isn't happening.

People often say it is your attitude that dictates events and in person I can be very cheery and friendly, but inside I am so sad and tired.

It is a cliche, but if I can't care for myself how can I be expected to care for my child?

My child who is 100% fully dependent on me.

It is a huge amount of pressure.

When I complain like this I feel immense guilt... this isn't her fault, this is just how things are.

We get amazing support from both nursery and respite, I should be feeling well rested and organised but I am just not.

Is anyone else like this?

What would you recommend? Have you suffered chronic stress or anxiety?

Did you overcome it?

I want to look back on these posts in years to come and think wow, I got through it, and things are so much better now. I am happy, I am blessed.

I have an amazing partner, and daughter, and support network, sometimes I think you do just need a good whinge to let it all out.

The way I do care for myself now is to try and drink more water, have more healthy food, exercise a bit more, try new things and not isolate myself, help others, write more, read more (really need to work on that), and spend more time focusing on my relationship with Phil (he works such long hours that sometimes I feel like I miss him even though I see him everyday).

I hope the voice you have in your head is kind to you and acknowledges all of the great things you do.

This is something that I am really trying hard to work on because I know how damaging it is for my already low self-esteem.

Firefly Blog

Real life stories, issues and experiences of day to day life by special needs parents and
healthcare professionals.

Ceri-Ann Brown

Meet Our Blogger

My name is Ceri-Ann Brown and I live in Stockport, Manchester. I live with the love of my life Phil, my amazing daughter (Amy-Rose) and my giant guinea pig Vito. I care for Amy full time and work one day a week in an office/call centre. In my spare time (ha!)

View Ceri-Ann’s Profile

Become a Firefly Blogger

Would you like to write for Firefly? Join our blogger network of parents, therapists and professionals.

Get In Touch

Become a subscriber today

Join over 40,000 subscribers to our weekly newsletter with insightful articles just when you need them.

Join Mailing List

By using our site you agree to our use of cookies. Click here for more info.

Accept & Close

No Interest if paid in full in 4 months on

Purchases on £99+

UK Customers only. Subject to credit approval. See terms below

Paypal Credit

Pay now or pay over time with PayPal Credit. Just use PayPal Credit in PayPal checkout.

Subject to credit approval.

Purchases of £99+:

No Interest if paid in full in 4 months on purchases of £99 or more.

  • A minimum monthly payment is required and may or may not pay off the promotional purchase by the end of the 4-month period.
  • No interest will be charged on the purchase if you pay it off in full within 4 months. If you do not, interest will be charged on the purchase from the purchase date at the Purchase APR applicable to your account.
  • Any remaining balance due after the 4-month promotional period or any transactions under £99 will be charged interest at 19.9% p.a. (variable).

Purchases of £98.99 or less:

Buy now and pay over time with PayPal Credit when you spend £98.99 or less.

  • If you pay your balance in full each month by the payment due date that is on your statement, you can avoid paying interest.
  • Or, make minimum monthly payments, or any additional amount of your choosing, until you've paid off your balance according to your standard account terms. Please note, interest charges may apply.
  • We'll send you email reminders when your payments are due. You can also keep track of your account and view your statements online at any time.

About PayPal Credit

  • PayPal Credit is a reusable credit line available on purchases at thousands of stores that accept PayPal. It's also available for purchases on eBay and exclusively at thousands of other online stores. Plus, it comes with the same security and flexibility you trust from PayPal.
  • In order to maintain the 0% offer, you need to keep up monthly repayments and stay within your credit limit. Credit subject to status. Terms and conditions apply. UK residents only.

Please wait...