I remember clearly the first time the weight of the responsibility of being a parent, hit me full force. It was on our way to the first hospital appointment seeking answers.
It was the most overwhelming and frightening feeling. What an immensely important duty to fulfil.
I instantly doubted myself and my ability. However, those apprehensive feelings disappeared the moment I was face to face with a medical professional.
I was my child’s voice, I knew her, knew her better than anyone. I knew, something wasn’t right but being a first-time parent to two babies. I was out of my depth. I was naive and took their first explanation as gospel.
It wasn’t the answer.
Though initially knocked back, my confidence in preserving grew. I would not back down if I knew what they were proposing was wrong. We got answers, so many answers along the way. But not all told our warriors story. We pushed further and still do.
When you then start to add in the hoops you need to jump through to get support in the form of therapies and equipment. That weight on your shoulders grows heavier still.
The constant liaising with a large medical team, appointments and prescriptions. Not to mention the complaints and chasing up of reports and assessments. The weight is ever increasing and at times it feels as though it may crush your very soul.
It’s in those moments, the ones where it all becomes too much. Where you have to allow yourself a wobble. Let the tears flow, punch a pillow, eat a whole cake, listen to angry and then sad music. Release that pent-up emotion. Whatever makes you feel more you, not the parent bearing all the pressure.
A little self-care goes a long way.
Sometimes a hot shower and cry will do. Other times days have come and gone before I can regain the mental strength needed.
Only then are you ready to put that heavy, heavy cloak back on. To start again with a slightly clearer head and sometimes a new focus or perspective.
To all my fellow cloak wearers, I know that weight, I know that fear and that relentlessness. You are not alone.