Some don’t, they are thrown into parenthood by circumstance and try and make the best of the situation.

Some people can’t become parents to their own children and endure the hardest of journeys through IVF or adoption to become parents.

Some families lose parents and essentially older siblings become parents to their younger ones.

Some parents are single parents, doing the hardest job of all pulling double shifts to be both mum & dad.

Everyone’s journey into parenthood is unique; no two families are the same.

What we ALL have in common though is our journey, albeit that we all may take different paths to get there.

Our road was a bit bumpy for a while.

Within the role of a parent we suddenly obtain a whole new skill set or feathers in our caps.  We become:

– Teachers

– Entertainers

– First-Aiders

– Protectors

– Mediators

– Motivators

It is the most difficult yet most rewarding title you will ever have.

Yes we know that we have to provide the basic yet essentials like food, clothes, nurture and support.

Yet we have so much more to do in making their environment safe, make them aware of dangers, the difference between right and wrong.

It is our role to protect them from dangers to which they may be unaware or vulnerable too, especially where our children have additional needs.

We have to help them acquire emotional wellbeing – to praise, give affection in order to build healthy emotions.

To try and eliminate negative factors that they will inevitably encounter of sarcasm or bullying.

My son has autism; as if all of the above that I know I have to do wasn’t hard enough, I had the added difficulty that part of his condition meant that he could not fully understand many of the emotions that I was trying to teach.

Yes he understood the basics early on of happy/sad but try teaching the emotion of embarrassment or confusion!!

The thing is there is no guide, no manual or “parenting for dummies” guide – well there are a plethora of them that you can access in book stores or on your kindle but I mean it in the sense of “no one person’s way is the right way!

We can only make our way through life doing the absolute best and morally correct things we can for our children; yes we will ALL make mistakes, multiple mistakes and sometimes we will make the same mistakes but we will learn and evolve.

We get to celebrate mother’s day and father’s day to show the mums and dads how much they mean to their children, but I love the idea of a global day to celebrate parents.

A day where we can all give a little nod to the person next to us with the child having a meltdown that shows “we feel your pain, we salute you, this is not easy – we know you’re doing your best”!

I longed to be a mum, mothering Sundays use to be bittersweet, celebrating with the women in my life and thinking that this is not something I would be able to celebrate on the receiving end.

My wish did come true though and in the year 2008 that I got married I also became a mother, it was magical and all my dreams came true.

My mothering journey was not to be straightforward though or mainstream.

You see I was blessed with a son who had extra needs, these were not visible needs or easily identifiable – they were issues that took alot of investigative action from the professionals and early intervention strategies.

Early learning plans, speech and language therapy, communication assistance; on top of that my son was severely short sighted with a rare eye condition and this was a whole barrage of additional checkups and pulling and prodding.

So I received the card and the flowers and the chocolate from my husband in the early years, but mother’s day was just another day in our hectic lives.

We had a son who was not able to go to restaurants or day trips to busy places as these caused sensory issues and ended in a breakdown from Cameron and tears from a fraught mum.

The worst part though, was the fact that one of the biggest hurdles my son would endure would be learning emotions.

I was told that most autistic children are “not very loving”, that they struggle with emotions and their comprehension of these.

This was really hard to digest, especially on the tough days, when you just want to hold your child and have that connection and bask in their love and warmth.

My son never sat still and wasn’t one for touch.

But this was the early days into our autism journey, Cameron was just a little delayed in his blossoming.

The first year of him understanding mother’s day was magical when he brought me the handmade card from school at the age of 6 – even if it did say To Mum & Dad.

Cameron is 8 now and on reflection this mother’s day I know that I don’t need cards or flowers or chocolates…… ok maybe the chocolates.

You see my son now tells me at least 2/3 times a day how much he loves me – EVERY day, without fail.

“I love you mum ya know”

“You are the best mum that I’ve ever had”

He will come to me for a cuddle; he will sit with me and watch a film, even if it is one he chose and we have watched a thousand times already.

You see I know now that I am a lucky mum, yes my child has weaknesses and daily struggles but we CAN communicate, but he is healthy and we have our own way.

He loves and is thoughtful and empathetic – I know people who have nothing wrong with them and don’t have empathy like my child does.

So this mother’s day my thoughts are with the special educational needs families that do not have the ability to communicate with their children.

That long to hear their child speak and hold their gaze to be able to connect.

Mothers that can’t have a day of rest, as their child needs 24 hour support.

The single mothers that pull double shifts with their children and don’t have anyone to share the daily woes.

I salute you all – you are the true heroes and people worthy of mother’s day thanks and appreciation.

I have read that for the International Women’s Day on 8th March this year the theme is to focus on, “Women in the Changing World of Work”!

The internet and articles read state how we should focus on women’s empowerment and how strong women are needed within important roles of society.

We see celebrities such as Beyonce and Oprah, yes these women are entertainers and icons, but they’re also ambassadors for meaningful causes or owners of thriving businesses.

But I’m a powerful woman too, in my own way!

I’m not famous or rich in monetary value but I have one of the most priceless gifts of all – an autistic son.

I’m a wife and have a husband who loves me unconditionally and appreciates the strength I bring to our family home.

I am a full time working mum who is valued within the workplace and juggles the complexities of military precision on a daily/weekly/monthly basis to keep our world turning.

In fact I am surrounded by a whole host of extremely diverse women who don’t need the world to tell them to be powerful.

They are living and breathing beings of power and I look at them in awe and amazement:

My granny first and foremost, originally from Cyprus she was married off to an English soldier at 14 years old and came to the UK which was a foreign country to her where she had no one for support and couldn’t speak the language.

She endured abuse, hardship and without her I or none of my family would be here today

My mum – a mother herself with me from the age of 15, worked and provided for all her 5 children and now ever expanding number of grandchildren.

Who helped support and care for her father as he was terminally ill with cancer and then has endured her own cancer journey over the past 18 months with tears, laughter, strength and determination.

My lovely friend Ceri-Ann who after a textbook pregnancy with her daughter endured birth trauma and is now, what seems to me to be a medical knowledge genius in her daughters HIE and other complex needs.

The time, energy, investigative actions I see her fathom out alongside her role as a mother is inspiring.

My sister, she is a single mum to two beautiful boys on the ASD spectrum.

They say you can take a horse to water but can’t make him drink – she can!!

She is that awesome.  She is a mum & dad, homemaker, cook, cleaner, teacher not only to her own boys but an amazing aunty to my son who loves him as her own.

You see to me International Women’s Day will be spent hailing the females in my day-to-day life that make a difference to others lives daily.

Recognising women’s unpaid care and domestic work; the unconditional love and support that they provide, with often no thanks – these are the real achievements in life.

Being a woman is powerful, this, to me, is pinnacle!

I don’t really need a special day to concentrate on this I live and breathe this every day.

“Mum……….. I want one!”

Now it isn’t easy to get these plush toys, it’s not like those meerkats where you can sign up to purchase something and receive one.

Also it doesn’t make you any more entitled to one working for the company.

As part of charity fundraising events within the office over the festive period, there was the chance to win a few of these penguins in various raffles and events.

A colleague of mine who has one of the sweetest hearts started making jokes on how she will have one by Christmas and how determined she was to get Cameron one of these.

She confessed after one particular raffle that she has spent over £10 on tickets to try and be in with a better chance!!

I felt all fuzzy inside; this was someone who has met my boy only a handful of times but listens to my weekly highs and lows of being an autism mama.

Yet here she was with sheer determination trying to get her hands on one of these pesky penguins.

All the raffles and tombola’s and incentives came and went and there was no penguin.

We approached Christmas and at the end of our teams secret Santa my friend said that she had another present to give me, not for me but for Cameron……………… WILBUR!

All her efforts had paid off and now my boy would be welcoming this cuddly toy into our home this Christmas.

I was beyond happy, so touched that this person thought about us so fondly and went to so much effort.

Together we decided that as at home we were participating in Elf of the shelf, we would introduce Wilbur the explorer penguin overnight for Christmas Eve arrival.

I wrote a letter from him to Cameron and it was just a heart warming magical moment when it all came together.

I recorded a video and sent it to my friend who had made this possible and she told me that she had cried happy tears and this made her Christmas.

Her random act of kindness that was such a selfless act wishing to make my child happy was the perfect, thoughtful and kindest end to our 2016.

She will never know the feeling of appreciation that I have and hope that more people follow suit, it’s a cliché but the world would just be a better place for it!!

Do you like school?– “Errrrmmmm I think so, well sometimes I do.”

What’s your favourite lesson? – “Playtime, when I learn to play.”

What don’t you like about school? – “Reading and writing, especially the writing bit – do you know mum my arm just aches soooo much”

Cameron do you feel the same as other children in your class? – “Yes, well I’m not sure mum – I do feel a little bit different because I have a full fleece jacket and some other people don’t and just have their bare skin.”

What’s it like in the classroom? – “There are lots of chairs and desks and things for us to do – there’s some quite good technology in the presentation board that my teacher uses”

I mean Cameron how does it feel, as in what you hear and see? – “Well it can be quite loud sometimes and it could be useful for me to have my ear muffs but you don’t let me wear them inside. The lights can be quite bright and sometimes I hear the dripping from the tap”

Do you find anything difficult?

“Sometimes mum, when I don’t know the answer and I want to copy someone else but that’s not in the school rules. I tap my feet ‘cause I just can’t help myself – I have to sit on my hands sometimes to control them”

Are all the children nice to you? – “Yes of course mum, that’s the school golden rules don’t you know, be nice to each another.  Well actually when I’m a bit silly with my noises like when you tell me to do inside noises then some of the kids will laugh at me but then they get told off”

Is anyone mean? – “No mum, they are not allowed. DId you not hear me, it will break the golden rules!”

“Mum, I’ve had enough now alright – I love you can I get some crisps!”

It’s hard, as a mum, to have these conversations with your child at the best of times; I can only imagine even more so as an ASD parent.

I always like to check in with Cameron’s feelings about school as I know that the long days of conforming, which he does exceptionally well, can be really challenging and draining on him.

Cameron does not know about his autism.

This is something that I am starting to think about now. How will we explain this to him and just exactly when will it be the right time?

I don’t want him to use it as an excuse to misbehave but I want him to understand that he is different and that this is not a bad thing.

Yes, you already love him with all your being.

Yes, financially at first you will struggle.

Yes, the sleepless nights are intense.

Yes, he will have his 10 fingers and 10 toes BUT he will also come with a lot more…

He will bring with him things that you never thought of.

You will love harder than you have ever loved before but also the heartbreak you will endure will also be just as intense.

When he gets to about two you will start to compare him to other children and wonder why he does certain things, you will also blame yourself A LOT.

You will be told that he is severely short sighted and needs glasses at around the same time.

Although that’s painful and stressful you put all the thoughts about his quirky ways down to the fact that he has not been able to see anything – you will be sure that now he will change.

He doesn’t!

He continues to grow before your eyes and you’re now blaming his behaviours on the terrible toddler years.

You will ask your health visitor how is he doing and as he starts preschool you will raise your concerns again, you will be frustrated that you think no one is listening to you and again you blame yourself.

You can’t understand WHY your child, WHY doesn’t he listen, WHY doesn’t he understand.

People are helping in the background but things take time, you cannot control this journey and yes it will scare you.

I know you want what’s best but it has to be done right and all the observations and assessments and checks are necessary.

You will frantically scour the internet for CURES and traits and identifiable aspects to see if what they are saying about your baby is true.

They never actually mention Autism; it is you, it is you that collects all the facts and the research and it’s you that attends the appointments armed with questions.

It is you that attends the speech and language sessions incase its JUST a slight speech delay.

It is you that is a full time working mum but up exhausted at 2am as he has slept since 7 and now after a cat nap is ready for a whole new day.

It is also you that thinks that it’s just a mum’s job to deal with these things.

You will play things down to Jay as if it reflects badly on you that these things are happening.

It’s not, it’s just one of them things – you should really share things that are worrying you more, you would have less anxiety.

Others will tell you that he doesn’t look any different.

That he may grow out of it in time.

That it could be worse!

You’re doing great Zowie, no one has the answers.

Yes many have walked your shoes in the past and many will in the future but no one’s journey is the same.

People will admire you and tell you how they don’t know how you do it, they comment that he is a credit to you and his Dad and isn’t he so clever.

By the time he is 8 years old the early years will be a blur; you did great, you got through and even start blogging your experiences to try and help others!

He’s a polite, loving, intelligent young man and yes he is a credit to you and Jay.

You never stop worrying; even though you’re not as neurotic as you once were, you don’t let autism get in the way.

You don’t make excuses and you do not to let the label be a get out clause.

I’m proud of you, don’t be so hard on yourself – you will get there and although the worries are still there you will be happy.

You are strong just like your own mama and you do what needs to be done.

When he was diagnosed in 2013 the local authorities were still issuing the Statements and we were awarded 20 hours of one-to-one care for him in mainstream school.

As the Government made changes, there has been a process to transition all the children from statements to EHC plans.

As we made our way through the form I was told, “I think if Cameron was going through the diagnosis now, he probably wouldn’t meet the criteria to be awarded a plan,” – this gave me mixed emotions.

I was happy that Cameron’s high functioning and ability to adapt and learn means that he has come on leaps and bounds in mainstream school but it saddened me immensely because Cameron has only got to where he is now and succeeded because of the help that was put in place so early on.

It makes me think of all the parents struggling to get their children support that are not so severe with their condition that they may need a specialist school.

Why should we fight; why should it be an onslaught of making calls, proving their weaknesses for someone to categorise them enough to think that they should be entitled.

For the last couple of years I have been battling with the decision over a secondary school for my son.

Yes I am lucky to have a statement that potentially will not limit me to the catchment schools, that I am able to look at other schools within the area that could meet my sons needs more effectively.

Trying to decide whether to send him to a less popular school that I know some of his primary school friends will go too or send him out of the area and risk him starting his high school life isolated with no friends but the academic and support side of it be much more appealing.

What do I do – what’s best?

I thought that I still had plenty of time and we can decide much later on.

Then I was handed an envelope full of print offs and at the top of the file was one titled, “Moving towards Secondary Education”, times running out it would seem.

I am so lucky with my son’s school and wish he could stay there forever – they have sent me this in preparation for next year so that I may have a read and know what the whole process will entail.

They have also offered to attend meetings with me at any of the schools in question should I require them too.

All the information is on your local authority websites under the Education sections.

The one for our area is easy to navigate and there’s a plethora of information.

Don’t put this off, knowledge is key and the more we can prepare ourselves will help our children so much.

I flicked through the handout, had a mini panic attack and filed it for a later date.

This is new territory for us as a family, me as a mother trying desperately to make the right decision on my son’s future but also for Cameron as he enters the next most influential and landmark part of his life into early adulthood.

So I’ll go back to my Internet browser now to check Ofsted reports, transport options and School prospectus’ – wish me luck!

We had mastered the one a day of the advent calendar; well almost, he had mine and Daddy’s too!!

I was really excited to have the family time at home off work and in addition to everything that my son had asked for I picked up some surprises along the way and couldn’t wait for Christmas morning.

Now I don’t know if any other ASD families are the same but Cameron doesn’t realise when those special days arrive, he’s the same with his birthday.

So Dad and I were awake in bed with a cup of coffee and the TV turned up a little loud to disturb him to wake him up as we were the excited kids.

Cameron woke up, went to the toilet and got back in bed.

I said good morning waiting for the realisation to come but it didn’t.

I said Baby what day is it today?”; that’s all it took, he came bounding in and asked could we go downstairs and see if Santa had been.

So he opened his presents; one by one, he was in amazement and so far everything had be exactly what he asked for UNTIL –  he got to a present that I’d picked up along the way thinking he would like it:
“Errmmmm Mum, what’s this? I didn’t ask for that.”

With that the present was discarded to the side, I was a little furious and looked at my husband who just shook his head.

Throughout the day Cameron received more presents and luckily when he had also told family members that he had not asked for their presents, they were not fazed.

I asked Cameron had he received everything he wanted and he said no, very matter of fact as many autistic children are – we all know as a parent that’s not easy to hear and I asked what was missing…

“A bike.” he said.

I used this as a learning opportunity and said to Cameron “Well baby you mustn’t have been good ALL of the year, there have been times when you have got into trouble and remember today you may have hurt people feelings telling them they got you presents you did not ask for!”

He said sorry but again reiterated that he hadn’t asked for those things and didn’t want them.

So another year on; preparation for Christmas 2015, the obligatory Christmas list is done and this year I stuck to the list.

Family asked what he wanted and I told them some of the items, and at the end of this Christmas day he said “It was the best Christmas ever mum – I got exactly everything I wanted”.

Victory, so much simpler!

Fast-forward to today – always one for a challenge, this year we are Christmas listless.

There has been no list and I have told Cameron that Santa has been listening to what he has been asking for but that he may get presents that are surprises that he may not have thought of.

I’ll let you know how this pans out, I suppose I’m just trying with each passing year as he gets older and starts to understand more to push his boundaries and help him face new challenges to prepare him for the future where he will be faced with many instances of satisfaction but also disappointment.

It’s weird, wonderful and extremely challenging at times.

Cameron has always been a naturally warm person, hands and feet all clammy and I put this down to why he used to strip off to his nappies/boxer shorts.

As Cameron’s speech and development grew he was able to communicate much more with me and he told me one day that his clothes feel scratchy and would direct my hand to where the tags or threads were on his clothes.

I quickly removed all labels to help this sensation.  He also told me one day when I put shorts on him that the pants were broken and he pulled his socks as far up as he could to try and cover the exposed skin.

So Cameron is a severe nail biter, all the lotions and potions never worked or bribery or anything……

..until a support worker introduced a fidget toy for him.

He replaced the nail biting with this toy for a period of time. Cameron also has three big blankets on his bed that he won’t go to sleep without, I mean he sleeps in his boxers and has the fan on ALL year round but he needs his blankets for the sensation they provide.

He also stomps around everywhere we go, so heavy footed the amount of pairs of school shoes we have had…… AND he is the loudest child EVER!!

I found myself so focused with school in trying to meet their expectations and get Cameron to where he needed to try and be achieving academically that I realised at a meeting only earlier this year that I had overlooked a fundamental part of something affecting my child.

When I started listing these “quirks” I realised that Cameron must have a form of Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).

This is where some people are over sensitive to things in their environment.

People can have SPD without being on the autistic spectrum but a high percentage of people with autism have SPD hand in hand, as is our case.

Here are a few website links that you can start your journey of discovery:

https://www.sensorysmarts.com/sensory-checklist.pdf – complete the sensory checklist and see how your child fairs, you may be surprised.

http://www.friendshipcircle.org/blog/2012/05/10/11-more-tips-for-dressing-your-sensory-sensitive-child/ – an excellent article for tips on dressing your child with sensory issues

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/ – an excellent website covering various areas of the sensory disorder

Many mainstream stores now sell items such as seamless underwear and soft touch material.  I used to layer Cameron’s clothing so it was easy to peel off the layers.

There are chew and fidget toys available to purchase and also sensory weighted blankets all of these items have helped us so much already, I hope you find this useful.