At last our Disney Princess

Our daughter has a rare chromosome deletion 2q23.1 Micro-deletion Syndrome causing autism, epilepsy and intellectual disability.

It is always a little challenging to get the right gifts for Isla at Christmas and this year is proved no different.

This is partly because she knows exactly what she likes.

She also knows what she doesn’t and will waste no time telling us or anyone else for that matter.

Fixed interests, one of the hallmarks of autism, are to blame for us only being allowed to buy the same thing for months maybe years at a time. Thomas the Tank Engine and Paw Patrol have been Isla’s main toy focus for as long as I can remember.

Recently though, there has been some new developments.

We have managed to switch from buying toys to buying books! However, having completed the ENTIRE series of Captain Underpants, The Treehouse Books and Dogman we have run out of inspiration.

Isla has also shown a recent interest in Disney Princesses. Even more exciting is that she wants to dress up pretty like a princess!

After all these years of not caring about what she wears (as long as clothes are functional and comfortable), I am quite excited about this! Why? It shows she is becoming aware of herself and I am taking that as a jump in development.

I am ready to embrace the pink, blue or yellow and taffeta…depending on what Disney Princess you choose. She doesn’t seem to have a preference.

But do you think I can find a Disney Princess dress in a size 12??!!!

It seems that the maximum age for anything Disney is size 8. Of course I know this as it wasn’t long ago Isla’s sisters were of a similar age. Their Disney Princesses days had long past by the age of 10, nearly 11.

Every change of season I get to sort through the hand me downs from her sisters.

Clothes hold many memories. Their clothes at age 12 started to change from little girl fashion to sassy tween.

Memories of this period where they became less dependent on Mum and Dad come flooding back.

Just like the Disney Princess costume, this is a sharp reminder of where Isla is at and that she is developing at a much different pace.

I acknowledge the feeling and then quickly move on, doing what I can to bring maximum happiness to our girl.

She is definitely not worried of what people think of her so I shouldn’t be either.

Scheduling the holidays

Our daughter Isla was born with a rare chromosome disorder causing autism and epilepsy.

Unlike most neurotypical children she cannot entertain herself for long.

She can watch TV or any other screen all day if you’d let her but cannot self direct very well and often needs someone alongside.

Left to her own devices this often includes dismantling, unscrewing or breaking something. She goes through stages of playing with her toys or reading books but the lure of TV becomes too overpowering.

We banned her IPAD nearly a year ago as she was well and truly addicted.

We have 8 weeks off school here in New Zealand. It seems quite daunting thinking of ways we can keep her entertained and screen free during this time.

Fortunately we are going away for a beach holiday for 10 days.

This is the perfect time it seems to commit to a strict schedule that will help us all stay on task.

I am hoping when Isla knows what is expected and planned each day this will help motivate her to get out of the house and to take part.

This may include a walk in the morning with her service dog Bo. A trip to the beach before it gets too hot or a day trip to explore on a rainy day.

A set time for morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea. Down time scheduled and timed with a book or TV. Another walk or scooter ride early evening and a family board game.

Santa this year is bringing everything to help us achieve this. New sand toys for the beach and plenty of books.

This will require a little more work and organisation on our part.

It will also mean not as much lazing around but I think a little less screen time will actually do us all the world of good.

It will be great to live in the moment, make the most of our summer holiday while teaching Isla how to schedule her time.

We will have to parent even when we don’t feel like parenting but I am sure will be so rewarding.

It seems so easy writing this down. How hard can it be??!!!!

Wish us luck!!!!

The Christmas Minefield

Christmas is such an exciting time for all children including those with special needs…..or is it?

I realised a while ago that all special needs children are not alike.

This was while attending a Christmas Party especially for “Special Children”.

The organisers had the best of intentions at heart trying to create a special day for all involved.

They had gone all out with balloons and a band. They even had Storm Troopers approaching you when you entered. As you can imagine for a child with autism this is their worst nightmare!

This was certainly the case for our daughter Isla. She has a rare chromosome deletion causing autism and epilepsy. Like most children with autism she has sensory issues and anxiety.

The sensory overload was actually more than I could handle so I can only imagine what it would have been like for Isla.

I just presumed being for “Special Children” it would have been a sensory friendly event.

I was certainly not prepared for all the stimulus that was going on around us.

Our time spent there was fairly brief. Luckily at that stage she was still little enough for me to carry her out of the situation with balloons popping and noise all around us.

In the past balloons popping have been enough to trigger a seizure so the fear is real.

However there were plenty of children having a lovely time enjoying all the celebrations on offer.

There were also quite a few that were also melting down so we were certainly not alone.

It became clear to me then, as obvious as it may seem, that all children with a disability don’t have the sensory sensitivities that autism brings.

On that day there was definitely a realisation of what our limitations were. Even being at an event for Special Needs children we still couldn’t fit or join in.

Since then we have not attended these types of events but there are certain times that cannot be avoided.

It feels a bit like dodging bombs in a minefield at this time of year. An announcement of “a surprise for the children” fills me with dread.

Children with autism don’t really like surprises. Well my child doesn’t.

The treat of Santa visiting to deliver presents will send my daughter diving under the nearest table shaking with fear.

The snow delivery at a school Christmas party is a real cause for concern with her fear of ice. Is pretty stressful managing all these situations for all concerned.

With the correct management and guidance (and medication) though she can sometimes now be a part of these festivities but I think is a relief for her when she gets home to her safe place.

With all of this to deal with she still looks forward to Christmas each year.

That’s as long as we don’t start being too festive too early.

The Christmas Tree is definitely not allowed up until 1st December!

We only now have to get through the main event and make sure Santa doesn’t come anywhere near her bedroom and all will be fine.

Measuring success

How do we normally measure success throughout our children’s lives?  At school it is measured by how they score in tests and how their results compare to other children.

In sports it may be what team they make, what races they win or what dance exams they pass. In their social lives it’s how they interact with their peers and the friends they make.

We want them to have good morals, be kind, empathetic and make good decisions.

When raising children with special needs we have a different set of benchmarks.

It’s about setting goals and having strategies to meet them.

At school this includes having an Individualised Education Plan (IEP) that shows how the school programme will be adapted to them.

It records achievements, what supports are needed and what success may look like for them.

It’s about creating an environment where they can learn without sensory distractions and where they will be accepted and nurtured  Its about completing the cross country or length of the pool, not the place they get.

In fact even getting into the cold school pool is something to celebrate. This is how we measure success.

Therapy is always on our minds when we choose their out of school activities.

Finding what they enjoy so they are motivated to attend but always bearing in mind what will help them in terms of social skills, motor skills and providing some sort of physical fitness. This is how we measure success.

Attending a birthday party without a meltdown is a milestone to be celebrated. Carrying out self care, brushing teeth and brushing hair is another.

It is about being able to participate in family activities without getting overwhelmed and escaping without a tantrum . It’s when parents are able to relax without being on edge.

It’s when something isn’t pulled apart or broken.

Or when you haven’t had to intercept your child finding an escape route. This is how we measure success.

It’s about having friendships that are different from the norm. When no words need to be spoken to have a beautiful relationship.

Or when your best friends are much older than you but they make you feel accepted. This is how we measure success.

All successes are celebrated in our house.

We want all our children to be the best versions of themselves in whatever shape or form that takes.

 

Preparing for puberty

Although Isla’s sisters have completely different personalities there has been many similarities in their journey from babies to young adults.

It started with a fairly predictable love of everything pink which progressed to purple and then light blue.

They tried every activity under the sun and we watched many self choreographed shows.

They went through the pretty dress phase, moved on to shorts and t-shirts followed by short skirts, small tops and Converse.

Moving into the pre-teens and teenage years the awareness to fit in shaped fashions, hair styles and behaviour. Friends, Snapchat and Instagram started being all important and we quickly became the bank, taxi driver and maid.

The wearing of crop tops progressing to their first bra, shaving legs and wearing mascara for the first time were all a right of passage into those teenage years for my older girls.

However, with our 10 year old daughter Isla we are sailing uncharted waters. She has a rare syndrome causing autism, epilepsy and intellectual disability.

Instead of following in her sisters’ footsteps who adapted their social behaviour to match their changing bodies, she remains stuck in those early years.

She still enjoys playing with Thomas the Tank Engine, Paw Patrol, Shopkins and babies. Her best day out would be out shopping for toys or a trip to the library.

She has friends her own age but enjoys the company of those older than her where she doesn’t have to worry about social complexities.

Whether I like it or not Isla is going to experience puberty at the same age as her peers. This is an awkward time for most parents but we are facing additional challenges with Isla such as:

  • Not having the cognitive ability to understand what puberty is
  • Sensory issues. Even wearing a crop top is highly uncomfortable for her
  • Unable to carry out self care tasks on her own
  • Keeping her safe from sexual predators
  • Learning what behaviour is acceptable – what should be done in private versus public. We are still working on the burping and farting!
  • Managing moodiness, anxiety and possible seizure increase

There are plenty of resources and information that can help us. Putting them in practice though takes a lot of work and energy.

Some of the suggestions I have found are:-

  • Using the correct words for body parts and bodily functions. Start talking about this early (tick)
  • Build up to a bra. Start with a singlet or crop top (we are still at the singlet stage)
  • Keep up physical activity (we try our best)
  • Teaching hygiene (a work in progress)
  • Explain menstruation long before it begins, prepare a kit and practice with pads (deep breaths!!)
  • Wash hair more often (always do regularly against her protests but she can’t do this on her own – must encourage this)
  • Prevent body odour by wearing deodorant (think she’ll like doing this)
  • If wants to wear makeup start off subtle (not going to happen – won’t even allow her nails painted)
  • Having social stories (a visual picture book) that she can read over and over to help her learn new skills and rules (on my to do list)

I am sure with a bit of planning and practice we’ll get through this stage like we have got through all the others so far.

Isla’s assistance dog Bo is going to be a great help to her while she navigates these teenage years.  Not only as a companion but also alerting others to be patient while she’s learning to become more independent.

Seeking help from other parents who have been there will also be invaluable.

I am lucky to have a great support network both online and in our community so we won’t be going through it alone.

Isla is still Isla

We took Isla to an Educational Psychologist to try and get a better picture of where she is at.

She has made so much progress in recent times. In particular her verbal language and comprehension have improved but I suspected large gaps remain.

I hoped to get some ideas on how to tackle her areas of learning weakness and to create a workable plan for her last 2.5 years at primary before starting college.

The assessment consisted of two appointments of two hours duration. On the first appointment Isla’s cognitive level would be tested. The second would focus on her academic level and capability based on the results of the first test.

On our first visit, Isla was a little apprehensive going in but once there was happy to play with the toys while I chatted to the psychologist about her history and what I wanted from the assessment.

Then it was Isla’s turn to get some testing done or do some “jobs” as the psychologist liked to call them.

For the next two hours she did many activities such as pattern recognition, verbal comprehension and pairing, working memory activities and some number work.

I decided to sit in during the testing and thought she had done pretty well. I was proud of the explanations she had given to some of the verbal questions and her focus.

She even knew the answers to some of the harder questions. Our Paediatrician had warned me that these types of tests may result in an Intellectual Disability diagnosis.

But while I sat there I thought to myself that she obviously didn’t know Isla very well at all.

I was actually wondering how I could justify the ORS funding* we had been given when her results came out better than expected!

However I was suddenly brought down to earth with a large thump! Isla was sent out to play and we went through the results.

The verbal section that I witnessed did come out average for her age but everything else fell well below.

This resulted in her falling into a low intellectual disability category. It was explained that her verbal ability can lead others to believe that she is functioning higher than she actually is.

This was the first hard truth of what was to come.

So what is low intellectual disability (ID)?
The diagnosis of ID is based on measuring a child’s learning and problem solving skills known as IQ (Intelligence Quotient) and also their adaptive behaviour. What they can do in comparison with children the same age, for example everyday social skills, routines and hygiene.

For Isla her IQ was slightly lower than 70. Her age functioning was 6.5-7 years and I was told that it most likely will cap here or near here.

This puts her in the bottom 2% of the population. This is consistent with her receiving ORS Funding, no more feeling guilty that she doesn’t qualify – there’s one silver lining!

Although Isla has good verbal skills, she cannot think laterally which is quite common in those with autism. We then talked about what this means for Isla’s future.

She will never get normal employment unless with a mentor who can give her a task and supervise her.

She is unlikely to live fully independently when she is older. Her idea of socialising is not like the way we like to socialise.

Hers is very tasked based. We should not worry about the academics but concentrate on skills that will help her be independent in the future.

She will never get close to NCEA and will always operate at a pre curriculum or primary school level.

There was nothing said that I didn’t know deep down but to be told it so directly hit me harder than I thought it would.

The last snippet of hope that she would suddenly catch up was pretty much quashed in that room. I was a little numb driving home. I couldn’t speak.

I felt this huge, overwhelming sadness for Isla and this huge sense of responsibility.

This is the chronic sorrow I have talked about before in my blogs. Something that a special needs parent deals with occasionally when hit with the reality of their situation.

That punch in the gut that hits you when you let your guard down.

However once I had time to process and work through those feelings you realise nothing has changed. Isla is still Isla.

In some ways it takes the pressure off me to keep looking for ways to get her to progress and wondering if we’re doing enough.

We are much better to teach her the value of money, how to prepare food and cook than worry about basic maths facts and spelling.

It will help her a lot more for us to work on her social skills so she communicate effectively with others rather than trying to get her to write stories.

We just need to concentrate on her having a happy life doing things to the best of her capabilities than to stress her to do things she actually isn’t capable of.

She is totally in the right environment at school. Being in a satellite class is perfect as anything else would be way too stressful and counterproductive for any learning. Her brain has to work so much harder with everything she does.

Even a visit to a stimulating environment can exhaust her (which it quite often does).

We had the second appointment yesterday and I took along my husband so he could hear the  explanation by a professional first hand rather than my relayed attempt.

We didn’t sit in for her testing this time but went and had a coffee and came back for the overview again.

This time I was more prepared and wasn’t so much of a shock when Isla was showing well below in most areas. Although she is in Year 6 she is more consistent with Year 2.

Do I regret going through this process? No. Although it has been a huge reality check and hard to take in, it was almost refreshing someone giving it to me straight.

We now have a baseline of where Isla is at so can focus on the things that matter.

*The Ongoing Resourcing Scheme (ORS) provides support for students with the highest level of need for special education in New Zealand.

Horse riding therapy

I soon realised in this unexpected world of special needs, activities I had enjoyed with Isla’s older sisters were now off limits.

Dancing, gymnastics, athletics and cheerleading were the ones I had previously known like the back of my hand.

They were the same ones that I now knew Isla couldn’t participate in. These types of co-curricular interests were difficult because of Isla’s poor motor skills, limited social skills and sensory dysfunction and everything else that comes along with 2q23.1 Microdeletion Syndrome.

What we did try was not enjoyable at all and actually was really stressful for both of us.

We then began to seek out activities where Isla would feel competent and that would help all those skills Isla needed to work on. But I soon realised there wasn’t much available.

When (after a couple of years on the waiting list) we got called up by the charity, Riding for the Disabled (RDA) we were thrilled.

I didn’t know how Isla would be around horses. On the first day we were a bit hesitant. The volunteers soon put us at ease and made it a successful day.

Having a visual with the horses and her name on a board appealed to Isla.

Even now she still goes directly to the board to find her name and see what horse she is on and who her side walkers are.

The process of getting to meet with the horse before jumping on worked well for her.

It was soon pretty clear that this was going to tick all the boxes for us. It also had some unexpected benefits.

Number 1 

Social skills and Sensory Dysfunction 

You wouldn’t think these two would be linked right?  They are because being on a horse allows Isla’s sensory needs to be met. This allows her to practice her social skills by conversing with instructors.

It’s pretty hard for Isla to have an ongoing back and forth conversation with anyone. It makes her feel really uncomfortable. She can’t meet people’s eyes and she needs to move around.

When she was younger I realised the best conversations we would have were in our spa pool at home. So when on the horse, just like being in water, Isla’s sensory system is calmed.

This allows her to focus on talking without having to deal with regulating her body.

The main way you can see this is by the lack of stimming. When riding this is pretty non existent. Isla normally bites her hand and makes the “eeeee” noise when excited.

I know she is happy when she’s on a horse but the feedback she receiving  is enough and she doesn’t need to “feel” her excitement. Also the fact that her hands are occupied with the reins or holding on doesn’t give her the opportunity.

Number 2

Motor skills

Isla has dyspraxia. She finds writing difficult, dressing difficult, turning clothes from being inside out to the right way virtually impossible.

She lacks the motor planning needed to undertake these tasks. The therapy to help with this is creating mind body connections while strengthening her muscles.

The exercises that she practices each week, for example standing in the saddle, all help her create new pathways. It also helps in strengthening her core and other muscles.

Steering, listening and remembering instructions, balancing, even being able to tolerate a helmet on her head, all go towards helping Isla having a stronger mind and body.

Number 3

Network of support

Sometimes having a child with a disability is isolating. It’s hard to know where you fit in to be honest. That applies to both Isla and I. Through Riding we have made connections.

We have made connections with the instructors who are passionate about what they do. Isla also thinks they are “really nice”.

Isla has made connections and bonded with other children. They also enjoy doing what she enjoys without the pressure of having to socialise in a typical way.

For me, I have made connections with other mothers (and sometimes fathers) and it allows us to talk about things we are going through and receive support. On the flip side, we celebrate achievements and progression in development which are easily recognised by other special needs parents .

Number 4

Achievement, Self Esteem 

For a little person who struggles with most things for them to feel like they are accomplishing tasks is so important for their self esteem.

When Isla writes a letter to her horse and receives one in return, especially for her, it makes her feel really special.

Receiving a ribbon at Ribbon Day for everything she has achieved is a huge boost to her self esteem and she feels so proud.

Riding for the Disabled is a charity in New Zealand.  It provides goal-based riding activities that increase the ability, strength and confidence of people with physical, intellectual, emotional and social challenges.

Special Needs is okay by me

I am a parent who identifies more with the term “special needs” than the more inclusive  “disability or disease”.

Special seems like the perfect word to sum Isla up. As long as its not used in a derogatory way I have no problem with it. Personally I have always associated “disability” with a physical impairment and “disease” as a type of illness.

Why it matters?
On an almost daily basis I need to describe or explain a behaviour, an exception that needs to be made or a justification. I will just say she has “special needs” which (to me) encompasses it all….the autism the chromosome disorder, the epilepsy, the dyspraxia and the learning difficulties.

To me “special” is a positive, uplifting word that makes Isla unique.

Her specialness should be celebrated, admired and cherished. Her special needs are a positive thing that sets her apart from everyone else.

She doesn’t need to conform to fit in and should be proud of who she is. BUT apparently according to the world of disability this is not the correct terminology to be using.

There are some adults living with disability, including those with autism, that feel that the term “special needs” is outdated and disrespectful.

They do not identify with being special at all and they see themselves as no different. They just want to be accepted as having a disability and have opportunities just like everybody else.

They feel that the word “special needs” is a euphemism created because the original word has negative connotations. A bit like you might say you are going to “powder your nose” instead of going to the toilet or someone has “passed away” instead of saying they have died.

Special needs is considered as offensive as the word retarded or handicapped (which are in fact offensive just to confuse things!).

However, when I look “disability” up it doesn’t say  “has an ability to do something in another way”.

In the Oxford Dictionary it says “A physical or mental condition that limits a person’s movements, senses, or activities” and “a disadvantage or handicap, especially one imposed or recognised by the law”

I think every family or individual should use the terminology that feels right to them.

When Isla is an adult she may identify with having a disability instead of referring to herself having special needs and that is fine too. For now even if we are sugar coating the dictionary definition above to make ourselves feel better that’s okay too.

Our approach of making Isla feel “special” growing up has worked so far, raises her self esteem and helps lower her anxiety.

It provides a positive explanation to her of why she is different to others. Long may to continue.

A Multi-Sensory Experience

You may call it an elevator or you may call it a lift. This depends on which country you live in but essentially it does the same thing, transporting people between floors of a building.

For someone with autism, especially with sensory seeking behaviours, a ride in a lift is a multi sensory experience. For Isla it is one of her favourite places but also where her differences are amplified.

Isla has always been drawn to lifts.  When younger she would happily get in on her own with no regard where it may take her.

These days, although a little more cautious, everything about a lift appeals to her need for sensory input.

She delights in pushing the buttons and seeing them light up and the noise they make.  She enjoys the different lighting and the mirrors sometimes decorating the walls.

She loves watching the doors open and shut. She loves the movement and noise of the lift moving up and down the lift shaft.

She cannot contain her excitement and her stimming overtakes her body in full force.

I love seeing how such a simple thing can cause her so much joy.

A place where differences are amplified

My normal coping strategy when out and about is to avoid eye contact at all costs focussing totally on Isla and sometimes Bo, her Assistance Dog, when he is out with us.

However, being in such a confined space it is impossible to ignore people’s reactions.

There is a feeling that Isla is making the other occupants uncomfortable with her unusual, expressive behaviour. This is turn makes me feel uncomfortable.

A short elevator ride seems to last a really long time. This is especially true if Isla has pushed all the buttons and we stop at every floor!.

There is no time to explain that for Isla this is the equivalent of an exciting ride at an amusement park. That her excited biting and loud “eeeeee-ing” is a way she expresses pure joy.

That even though she is 10, her mind is as old as your toddler who is understandably put out when Isla races to push the buttons.

I want to say all this but there isn’t enough time and I often stand in silence either pulling down Isla’s arms and ssshhhing her. Maybe adding “she’s really excited” when there is no containing her.

I always wonder what impression Isla has left on these strangers and what they may tell their children when they ask “what’s wrong with that girl?”.

But most of all I just wish they could  share in her absolute delight that most of us are unable to feel by just taking a simple ride in a lift!