Sometimes I feel like a Wishy Washy Special Needs Mom

Naturally, I want to make decisions that will be in her best interest. Of course, I want to make decisions that will keep her alive!

I want to make decisions that will improve her quality of life!

I want to make decisions that will make her happy.

I want to make the same decisions for her that I imagine she would make for herself.

It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it! The problem is I never feel 100% positive like I am really making the correct decision.

Am I truly considering what she would want?

Am I truly capable of making an unbiased decision or am I making the decision that I want for her?

Just when I think I’ve finally got everything all figured out, the doubts begin to invade my mind!

I begin to second guess myself. Is what I am about to give my permission for not going to kill her? Is it really in her best interest.

Will it truly make her happy?

Will this decision really improve her life?

Then back to the drawing board I go. I start over from scratch, weighing all the pros and cons once again.

I torture myself as I go over all the terrible risks involved again. I agonize over every grizzly little detail of what could go horribly wrong if I give the “go ahead and do it” green light.

I also go over what could go incredibly wrong if I don’t give my permission to do it and what could go incredibly right if I do!

What harm could befall her if I make this decision?

What harm could befall her If I don’t? How will this decision benefit her.

What benefit will I be denying her If I choose not to do it? I always feel as if caught between a rock and a hard place.

I always feel as if I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t! I don’t want to make the wrong decision.

I want no regrets. I would never forgive myself if I made the wrong decision and something terrible happened to my precious, beloved daughter.

Somehow I must get over my fears and doubts and make that final decision!!

Somehow I always do make that final, once and for all, “there’s no turning back now” decision.

I will always and forever wonder if the decision I made was the right decision or if I should have made a different, better one!

Special Needs Parents, Grief and Depression

Parents of special needs children usually make their way through a journey of grief which may include the following feelings:

• denial • anxiety • fear • guilt • depression • anger.

Each person will experience grief in their own unique way. Each stage of your journey may not occur in exactly the same order as above.

Some stages may go away only to reappear when our child has a set back. There is no right or wrong way to experience grief.

Give yourself permission to talk about and express your grief in your own way.

Be sure to communicate to loved ones, friends, and family members that they need to give you the room and time to express your grief without passing judgment.

Quiet and compassionate support is what you need.

After passing through the grieving period many special needs parents might continue battling with an ongoing depression, because our lives are forever changed!

Most of our special need children will be dealing with lifelong conditions. It’s not like they have the flu, will take a pill, get better, and then life will go back to being all rainbows and unicorns again.

Setbacks may occur. Challenges may be frequent. Frustrations will run rampant.

Below are four ideas to help you through the special needs parent grief and depression cycle –

1. It is extremely important for parents and caregivers to make time for themselves!

I know from personal experience that this is easier said than done.

But sometimes just a few minutes locked in the bathroom while you read a page in a book or have a good cry is all you need to catch your breath and soldier on!

2. If your child is eligible for respite care please take advantage of it.

I know how hard it is to leave your special little someone with strangers even when they have been specially trained and finger printed for safety, but most states also have funds that can even be used to pay relatives and friends to watch your child so you can get away for an hour or two.

3. Participate in support groups. If you can’t get out to share with real life people that’s okay because there is plenty of online support available which is also very helpful.

Talking about our unique issues as special needs parents with others who get is essential for processing through to a healthy emotional life.

Firefly and Parent to Parent are both excellent emotional and informational online support resources!

4. Seek professional help, even if you think you are doing okay on your own or that your depression is not severe enough.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with consulting with a licensed mental health care professional.

In fact, there is everything right about it!

A professional can help you sort through and process your feelings and emotions and get you back on track to feeling better about coping with life as a special needs parent!

Some days you may feel nothing but despair and despondency, but I promise you that one day you will feel happy and hopeful again!

Although they may be different from what you had imagined, I also promise you that your child will someday experience triumphs, reach goals, meet milestones, achieve many awesome accomplishments and most importantly live happy, satisfying, and productive lives!

One day you will enjoy some rainbows and unicorns again!

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional or a doctor.

The above information is not to be mistaken as medical advice or medical treatment.

Please consult with a licensed medical doctor or mental health professional for treatment if you are suffering with depression.

Information for this post came in part from States of Grief for Parents of Children with Special Needs.