As a follow-up to my blog post “Things for Mums to know about Dads” I’m hoping to share what I think I’ve learned vice versa – Mums forgive me if I have completely misrepresented you, but this is a man’s perspective.

Just listen to her

If you’ve read the “Things for Mums to know about Dads” post you will see a trend where I talk about how much we Dads like to fix things, we like to have answers. A lot of the time your wife/partner doesn’t want an answer or a fix!

Have you ever noticed how when she talks on the phone or has her friend around for a coffee and they chat – they often talk about lots of problems and issues but rarely interrupt those issues with an answer to it. SOMETIMES they give an answer but most often they just listen.

It’s almost a secret code but I’ve concluded that Mum’s just want somebody to talk to. That’s it, don’t fix their huge dilemma with an “answer” that took you 2.5 seconds to come up with – they wont herald you as a genius, but they might throw something at you.

Listen, discuss, agree, share, connect – fight the urge to throw out the first solution that comes to mind and move on to the next problem.

Remember Her

Not the machine she feels she has become, fulfilling all the special needs precisely and at a superhuman rate. She’s not just the mother, expert, advocate, voice, physio and everything else that she’s been told she is – She is your wife/partner. The reason you guys got together was around long before all of this and the kids came along. I know this applies to all relationships but its particularly important when you’ve got so much more responsibility.

If you lose that “reason” you just end up becoming colleagues in a very difficult job. If you can get time away from it all for an evening just you two, do it – most of us can’t, I know, so you may have to get a bit creative.

Even if you do something cheesy and rubbish or spend time together at home watching or doing something that doesn’t seem spectacular – it doesn’t need to be good, it just needs to be effort. It says, I’m not just here with you because I have to be (for the kids etc), I’m here because I want to be. (I know I’m cheesy but who doesn’t love cheese).

My wife and I have managed to watch a few series together recently in the evening and it does help taking the time to watch something in common. (I recommend Man in the high Castle on Amazon Prime, such a good series).

Give her a break

Yes, this applies both ways, but we guys tend to forget this a bit more. I know there are certain tasks with the kids that she has gotten better at than you, so you usually let her do them – makes sense.

Remember to give her a break from it though, having your routine broken for once where something you usually do is already being done and you’re sipping a cuppa instead is really valuable or maybe she needs a super early night or a lay in once in a blue moon. Read the signs, if she looks exhausted, take over one of the mundane tasks.

This could be an additional pointer (again could apply both ways) but Let go – as in, don’t be shackled to each other and your duties.

The only person my wife fully 100% trusts to look after our daughters for a long period is me, this means if she ever wants to be able to be free from the shackles of the house and the routine, I am the only possible key – sometimes its not even that she wants to break from the shackles, but she has to know that she is able to.

She has been asked to go out places and do things with friends etc – don’t make it difficult for her to go, make it as easy as possible.

I love when my wife can go and do something that makes her happy in complete freedom for a while because she will usually return not only happier, but she can’t wait to get back to the house and the kids and the routine because she missed them.

Additionally, guys – she’s a lot more likely to make it easier on you when you’re going to go out or to do stuff for a while. So many couples shackle themselves to each other and make each other’s life hard work – if she moans when I go somewhere, I’m going to moan when she goes somewhere – break that cycle, encourage each other.

Don’t run away

The trend I’ve seen in Mums and Dads in the disability world is that once Mums are over an initial grieving process which I mentioned in the other post they tend to run headlong into the battle and Dad’s are ready to fight a battle in the beginning but end up running away from reality).

Mums tend to get involved in care, hospital life, get counselling and help, meet with other mums for coffee and find solutions for problems.

Dad’s I see are throwing themselves into more work than ever or anything else that will take up their time and when they meet up with Dad’s in similar situations, they go Go-Karting or paintballing or some other 10-year olds birthday party arrangement and then often use hospice and respite care to go on holidays.

Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing dreadfully wrong in those things, its useful to escape reality for a bit but Dads we seem to be constantly escaping reality. Like in the last point, its good to help each other have a break but Dads you need to get yourself help as well as escape, (which can be important) so you can be fighting fit when it comes to going back into battle and that’s not going to happen at a racetrack.

The most loving thing you can do for your child is to love/care for their Mother

We’re different!

OK you already knew that didn’t you? I’m sure you did but it does sometimes slip our mind to remember that Men and Women, Dads and Mums are different, particularly in a stressful environment like dealing with disability in a family.

My Wife and I have always been best friends as well as spouses but a diagnosis of disability for your child can put a colossal amount of strain on even the best relationship.

After much discussion, many mistakes and learning curves we’ve found that frictions can be cleared up with a bit of understanding and discussion (which we’ve had to learn to do more).

First, I’m going to write about what will help Mum’s to know about Dads, Step Dads, Male guardian – whoever is in that role, loving a child with a disability – from my perspective.

We’re confused.

We love you and we love our child(ren) but we’re not too bright, not when it comes to this. Men know how we’re supposed to care for our families, provide and protect etc.

Now the way we need to do that has changed, and we’ve got to learn how to care, all the while trying to seem like we know exactly what we’re doing. We are designed to be the calm one who doesn’t freak out, we’re supposed to be as solid as a rock.

My wife and I were present one time when our little girl had a cardiac arrest in the hospital, I knew someone had to be there with her, I also knew that my wife would not cope with watching her being resuscitated so I asked a nurse to take her out of the room.

I couldn’t cope either, but I had to, for her and for her Mum who I know wouldn’t have left unless I was there with her. I had to be in there, calm and focussed – like I knew what I was doing.

We can’t break-down, we have to love, protect and provide. We have to look like we know what were doing when we really don’t.

We do what we know.

This is how we love you, by doing what we know. As well as learning all the new stuff slowly and painfully we still want to care for you in the way we know.

Maybe he doesn’t say mushy things or seem very sentimental, maybe he doesn’t say much of anything – even less than he used to.

However, he is keeping the car cleaner and fixing things around the house without 6 months of you asking. Maybe he’s become super cautious about germs and the things that can take you all back into hospital. These are ways in which he’s telling the family that he loves them.

Some of the things I’ve mentioned are the things I have been doing – A lot of it I’ve done sub-consciously, my wife noticed, and we thought and talked about it and this care is what triggered it.

He sees the effect it has on you and the kids when we go back to hospital as well as the illness itself, or how sad you are that you’re overwhelmed that the car isn’t clean, or the house isn’t together and yet at the same time you feel you need more time for the kids.

Don’t think we’ve become distant and uncaring – we’re fixers we’re trying to fix it the way we know how. At other times we may just have to disappear into a hobby or something to straighten our heads – again were not being distant, we just need to do things we’re good at to fight the feeling of being useless that often comes.

We’re angry and protective.

One important difference I’ve seen is that a woman seems to grieve the life and child they expected and although we Dads are struggling with our situation, we don’t need that time to accept that our child isn’t what we expected. Rather we are frustrated that we can’t do anything about the disability itself.

When I spoke to my wife about the grief she was in over our child I was angry with her and protective of our child. I think we men go into fight mode, I was ready to fight the whole world for my little girl, but the problem was I didn’t understand the battle and I didn’t know how to fight it.

I didn’t get why my wife was grieving and she didn’t understand why I was angry – now we understand each other’s perspectives it’s much easier to discuss and progress.

We’re blown away by you – but include us too.

I’ve seen a few articles from Mums praising Dads (Step/guardian etc) because its mainly Mums writing these sorts of things but not many written to you. Quite simply it is astonishing what you do, my wife can roar like a lioness to protect our cubs and still be as gentle as a dove as she nurtures them.

Being a Mum is a colossal task at the best of times so becoming a super Mum should not be underestimated. The unwavering dedication you have to our children now and looking to the future and the next steps, studying medical science, dietary requirements and every help that we couldn’t think of is amazing – from them and us Dads, thank you.

*Additional note – keep us involved.

We may be in work or elsewhere and miss a few meetings and you’ve become used to getting on with things yourself, but we want to be experts in our kids too. I would hate a stranger to know things about my child that I don’t and Mums, you’re going to want/need help eventually, keep us in the loop – It gives you a great chance to talk to each other about the task we have in common.

The most loving thing you can do for your child is to love/care for their Father