We all have them.

Days where we just feel a little bit down and can’t help but wonder why.

It might happen after a busy day, it might happen after a day of nothingness.. But it will happen to us all at least once. 

Your why moment could be anything from “why won’t my baby just sleep no matter what I try” to something as deep as “why do bad things happen to good people”.

The worst thing about these moments?

There often never seems to be a definite answer. Ever. So that closure you were looking for, the answer you’re hoping will jump out at you, it just doesn’t seem to be there. 

But there are things you can do to help.

It could be a phone call or a message with a close friend or family member and it really does help to get things off your chest.

It’s so important to talk, never keep anything that’s really worrying you to yourself.

Or even if it’s not really worrying you, it’s sometimes good just to have a bit of a moan isn’t it!

For me, it was social media that helped me when I’m having a why moment.

I joined groups and connected with people I would never come across in my day to day life and the most amazing thing is these people get it, they really do!

Those why moments that you’re having, you can be sure that they’ve had them at some point too!

They’ll not have the answers but they’ll have the understanding.

You might post a worry or message someone and the reply you get is often that they’ve been through the same “and here’s what I did to help!” 

Making the decision to connect with others on social media was the best thing I did for me – but of course it’s not for everyone.

We all have different ways of coping but one thing to make sure you do, is find your way.

Have something (or someone!) that you can do to ease those worries, to help that anxiety and to lift your mood when it’s down and to make you see things from a different angle. 

For example, take a look at the photo attached to this blog. What was your first reaction? 

Now what if I told you that’s it’s a beautiful autumn day painted by my 4 year old son with cerebral palsy, he tried really hard and was very proud of himself (it’s now hanging up in my living room!).

Did that first reaction change?

All you needed was me to tell you the story behind the image.

Sometimes it helps just to have someone change your view of the situation and suddenly things somehow seem that little bit better. 

You have a natural birth, you have a c-section, you adopt…

No matter how your little bundle of joy comes into your life there’s one thing no one tells you about. What to do when they don’t reach their milestones.

In fact, if you just google “baby milestones” things that come up will be information like your baby will respond to sounds by the time they are just one month old, by just four months old your baby will hold their head up steadily and make sounds, by 5 months old your baby will be able to roll from their tummy to their back, by 8 months old your baby will be able to sit up on their own and by 9 months old your baby will be able to pull themselves into standing and sitting positions.

Perhaps your baby has reached all their milestones and really “most” babies will, but can you imagine the feeling of a parent when their child doesn’t do these things.

The first thing you do as a parent when they don’t reach their milestones is research online about what age they should be doing certain things and as a parent of a child who didn’t reach their milestones, I can honestly tell you that the feeling you get is complete heartache and pure worry.

Everyone told me that my child would be sitting up and grabbing toys… why isn’t he?

Then of course comes the guilt of “what did I do wrong?”

First of all, I hate these expectations of what a child should be doing at what ages – my daughter with no disabilities was late at sitting up and didn’t walk until she was around 17 months old which is considered late (apparently!) and I remember that was a worry as a new mum. But when my son couldn’t even grab his toys never mind sit up by the time he was 9 months, I had a horrible feeling in my tummy. I didn’t know who to talk to or what I should have been doing.

So why isn’t this something that is spoken about?

Did you know that around 1 in 20 children have some form of disability? Surely that’s enough for it to be spoken about when having a child, but it seems that it’s not. I understand not wanting to worry new parent unnecessarily but maybe if it is something that could be discussed on what to do or who to contact when your baby doesn’t reach these milestones then it could take the worry away even just a little bit.

Parents need to be reassured not to panic and told that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with their child if they don’t reach their milestones but there’s help out there if they need it! But we could be given information on what to do if our children aren’t doing certain things by a certain age. I know if I had been told what to do then I would have steered myself away from the internet which either basically tells you that you’re doing something wrong or your baby isn’t normal, it’s heart-breaking!

My son was over a year old when we finally found out that he had cerebral palsy and given help with different therapies to help him but maybe I would have found help sooner had I known what to do rather than worry alone at home.

This is why it’s so important to know that there is help out there, it’s nothing you have done wrong and you can get help.

Not just a dad but a round the clock worker prepared to do anything to provide for his family, not just a dad but a cuddly bear ready to carry his cubs any time they need it, not just a dad but an adventurous story teller that has his children at the edge of their seats (or laughing their heads off!), not just a dad but a superhero in disguise.

It’s often the mums that get the recognition when it comes to taking care of children, it’s the way it always was! The man would go out and work the woman would stay at home and take care of everything else. Of course, that was a long time ago and things have changed so much! But the dads often still go unnoticed.

But you know what I’ve noticed? That they don’t mind!

Not only does my husband get stuck in and do SO much for our children but when it’s me that gets the praise for how well they are doing, he allows it. He’s always in the background making sure everyone’s ok and he’s honestly the glue that holds us all together.

He has a way of making us all feel safe and secure and is that reassuring voice telling us all that no matter what happens, everything will work out!

So, on Father’s Day, the one day of the year that it will all be about the dads, I’m going to give him the recognition he deserves and our children no doubt will shower him in hugs!

Because a good dad will always put his family before anything else and I’m so grateful that my children will grow up with such an amazing role model.

So, I write this hoping my husband will see and realise that although I often forget to give him the reassurance that he’s doing a great job like he gives me on a daily basis, I hope he knows already. You just have to spend one day with our children to know they have an amazing mentor in their dad guiding them on the right paths while putting that determination into them telling them they can achieve anything they want to!

To the rest of the word you are a dad but to us, you are the world.

 

How many times have you thought to yourself “I can’t do this…”

I bet it’s more than once. We all put on a brave face on social media and post pictures of us cuddled up with our children smiling and laughing and having a great time when the reality is actually, that great time lasted no more than ten minutes.

Especially now while we are all spending more time than ever together – and don’t get me wrong here, it’s great spending all this time together and I honestly love it most of the time. Memories will be made and we are all learning new things each day but my goodness it’s exhausting isn’t it!

We still all like to pretend that it isn’t by shoving all the toys and junk out of the way for the perfect photo, we take a picture of the amazing cake that we all baked together (when really we freaked out a little knowing what a huge clean up job it would be after and also the hundred little pieces of egg shell that got in the mix because your child just had to do it themselves).

You’ve maybe even shared things on social media saying something along the lines of “don’t struggle, talk to someone if you’re struggling, YOU matter”

You’re willing to help others but never take a minute to think about yourself, usually because you don’t have time!

But the truth is, something’s got to give and if you keep burning your candle at both ends then it just won’t last. However, share that light and you’ll see just how much things can be better.

It’s hard asking for help or admitting that you’re struggling but it’s even harder trying to do it all alone.

You might think that there’s no one that can help you and while that might be true physically right now, there will be someone you can call or even just message to talk to. Have a break, don’t feel guilty for letting your children watch tv or having the iPads so you can just breathe and be alone for a minute to your thoughts.

And don’t do it all! No one is going to judge you if you don’t tidy away the toys one night and have some time to take care of yourself.

At what point does your role change from mum to carer? When does that start? When your child is born? When they are diagnosed? When their condition starts to seem to get worse and you have to leave your job…

If you’re looking for an answer, then unfortunately I can’t give it as it’s something I’m wondering and searching for the answer myself. It seems strange to say you’re a carer when it’s your own child isn’t it? I mean, you would care for your child with or without disability so what makes me so special that I have to be classed as something other than a mum!

My son is 4 now and I still become really awkward and a bit nervous (for some reason, as if people will judge me!?) when I have to say that I’m “classed as a carer for my own child”.

I have 2 children, so it seems even harder to say that when I love them and care for them both equally – although admittedly I do probably spend slightly more time on my son who has quadriplegic cerebral palsy but not because I love him anymore, because he needs it. Hang on.. I think I’ve just found my answer…

They need us – more!

We are called carers because yes, although we are still mums and would do anything for our children no matter what, we do MORE for our children because they have more needs. They need us to be their voice sometimes, to know exactly how they are feeling and how to react when something doesn’t go right for them, they need us to administer medicine, to organise and arrange appointments, to be on guard for any sudden changes, to even be their legs!

You’re still a mum, but by saying you’re a carer too it can open up opportunities for help. We aren’t superhero’s, we weren’t “chosen because we are special and patient people” we aren’t better than anyone else, but we do everything we can to ensure our children are happy and cared for.

That’s why we are carers.

We have all heard that word “inclusion” and it’s something I talk about quite a lot, how much it matters and how important inclusion is.

But what actually does it mean?

Well, if you were to google it, it would tell you It is “the action or state of including or of being included within a group or structure” But that doesn’t really tell us much does it.

That definition makes it sound like such a simple thing but what usually happens is integration and the two should not be confused because there is a big difference!

You may think that by doing something at the same time and the same place is inclusion, but when something is made different for someone with disabilities for example, then this is integration. Inclusion would be including all members of society, regardless it is about any disability, poverty, or social, ethnical and religious background, etc. And not making it different for them but making it so everyone can join in with the same activity.

Yes, things will need to be in place to allow everyone to take part sometimes but what can sometimes happen is that it will seem like hard work, take longer and too much effort so it just doesn’t happen, which is really pretty sad.

Attitude can be one of the biggest barriers of inclusion, like I just mentioned – it can be easy to think that being inclusive is too much of an effort so why bother right? Something I ALWAYS do is imagine myself in another person’s shoes, how might someone else feel in a situation where they can’t get involved or do something they really want to do, how would you feel if you went somewhere with your friends but had to do something different because it wasn’t accessible for all.

It imposes the question of why should an individual be left out because they are different?

The truth is – we are all different and that’s what we need to realise! Create access and clear communication and inclusion really can be easy. This doesn’t just apply to schools and sports clubs but to everyday situations.

So have a think, what can I do to be inclusive? How could I promote inclusion? Make a change. Raise awareness and make every individual happy and able to have friends and do the things that they have a right to do.

What do you do when your child starts to say no? Whether it be verbally or using their body language to tell you they just don’t want to do something, all parents go through it!

At first it might be cute, you might laugh it off or let them away with it but eventually you realise that sometimes the things you are doing are completely necessary, maybe they all of a sudden don’t like their medicine or (and this is a big one for us) they decide that they don’t want to do therapy/exercise.

So what do you do!?

DISTRACT and REWARD.

It sounds easy, but I’ve experienced first-hand that it’s not always as easy as it sounds, and it can take some thinking! For medicines, perhaps start a sticker chart for every time they take it, or give it when they are watching tv and won’t notice as much or turn it into a game!

When it comes to physio/exercise the same applies. One thing that I’ve found to help with doing exercises is the mouse game! My son absolutely loves this, he has a lot of stretches and exercises he has to do lying down so we pretend there’s a mouse crawling about and we have to search for it, so he has to lift one leg, then the other, open and close his legs like scissors, arm stretches, roll on to his side and then the other side and even sit up – all searching for our little pretend mouse! We even manage to practice high kneeling looking for mouse over things.

It’s such a simple game but it works and requires no equipment!

When you make something sound like a chore or hard work then it’s no wonder that they don’t want to do it, turn it into a game and offer rewards and children end up changing their minds very quickly!

One big thing I also realised was to stop asking. I know it sounds silly but often I find that if I don’t ask then it doesn’t open up an opportunity to say no! So instead of “shall we do your medicine now?” you could say “ok it’s medicine time, let’s pick a sticker!” Or when I know I need to do floor physio, I don’t say “do you want to do some exercises?” I say “I’m sure I just seen a mouse! Let’s try find him”. How you word things definitely helps – good luck!

 

To my husband on Father’s Day,

I want you to know that I genuinely believe you are the greatest dad to our beautiful children.

You often don’t get as much recognition for all that you do for us but you’re ok with that, you don’t need it as long as you know you’re doing the best as you possibly can then to you, that’s all that matters.

As a mum I am always hearing from others what a great job I’m doing, how my children are happy and that’s down to me, I get praise for taking our son to appointments, doing his physiotherapy, keeping track of letters and medications. But in all honesty, I couldn’t do it all without you.

I call you throughout the day when I’m struggling and you always pick me back up.

You always tell me everything will be ok and it always is. If we need to go to an appointment that I think I’ll need support with you move things around and take the time off work, even though I know it means you will be under more pressure from your job doing so.

If our children ask you to take them to school in the morning, you’ll work late so you can do it.

If I think there’s equipment that will help our son, you’ll do all in your power to make sure he gets it. You do the research as much as I do and yet, I’ll get the praise for doing it.

But it doesn’t bother you. You put in extra hours at work to give our children the things that they want. But as soon as you come home, your work phone is switched off and your dad mode is switched on!

Our children love nothing more than a daddy cuddle and they know that you’ll always be there for them, no matter what.

When they are unwell, you’re up with me during the night helping them.At night, when our children have gone to bed and you’re tired from a long day at work you don’t ever question if they shout you up to see them, if they call daddy, you are there.

I have absolutely no doubt that no matter what, you would do anything for your children and I think they know that.

So on this day, I want you to know how appreciated you are, our children’s happiness isn’t down to me, but to us as a team and I want to thank you for everything you do.

Happy Father’s Day