3 Things to Make Sure You Say in 2022

January is full of new year resolutions of things we will start–or stop–doing. What if, instead of resolutions, we vowed to be more conscious of our words in this new year?

After my own reflection on my words, here are three phrases that I think we all could benefit from using a little more in 2022.

“Yes, that would help a lot.”

Why is it so difficult for us to accept help? Perhaps you, like me, are a perfectionist who struggles to let people perceive that she needs something. Maybe you feel guilty putting something you “should” be able to do onto someone else. Or you could struggle giving up control of things that you usually do.

Or perhaps you are really like me and it’s all of the above.

This year, when someone extends an offer of something that might help, let’s take them up on it!

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that it took me at least a year to finally fill out the handicap parking pass application that I had on my desk because I felt like I could (or maybe should?) “handle” my son’s physical limitations without it. My resistance didn’t have anything to do with any of the reasons I listed before; I had simply formed a habit.

When we deny help over and over, that refusal becomes like a reflex, and we end up missing out on the resources that were created for situations just like ours. Let’s stop practicing that refusal this year.

“Unfortunately, I can’t.”

Probably for similar reasons to those that keep us from accepting help, many of us have a very hard time saying no, even when we KNOW the thing being proposed is not something we want to do.

I’ve found, though, that the bad feelings I experience when I have to go back and tell the person no after I already said yes–or just bite my lip and do the thing despite how much I don’t want to–are far more uncomfortable than the disappointment I might put on that person if I had just been honest in the first place.

Most recently, a family member asked if we could get the kids together over the weekend. Beyond exhausted and well aware of it, I swept my own feelings aside and typed “Sure!” as a response to her text. A couple of days later, the morning of the play date, I knew that all I needed was some quiet space that day. So, I texted her to cancel. Was she disappointed? Yes. But I could have saved us both some disappointment and frustration by just being honest in the first place.

Let’s practice saying NO when we need to this year!

“I need _____.”

Both previous statements come down to this: We must start telling those closest to us what we need!

I’m beyond guilty of this one, particularly in my marriage. I am great at assuming that my husband knows what I need, but no one is a mind-reader! Being willing to ask for what I need doesn’t present a burden on those I ask; it removes the burden of them having to guess!

So, if this one is the same as the previous two, why is it here? Notice, the first two statements are responses to a question:

Can I bring you guys’ dinner tomorrow? “Yes, that would help a lot.”

Are you available to babysit this weekend? “Unfortunately, I can’t.”

Once we’ve got the hang of honoring ourselves with our responses to questions, we must get comfortable honoring ourselves when no one is asking.

This statement might be the most difficult one of all. So, start small. Instead of getting up to get the ketchup yourself at dinner tonight, ask a family member in the kitchen to grab it for you. When you just can’t stand another minute of noise, tell the kids you need a moment of quiet.

Will you always get the thing you ask for? Of course, not. But building the practice of honoring your needs with all these phrases builds the muscle of self-care that I believe is essential for each of us to really make 2022 a great year.

Let’s Stop Feeling Guilty About These Three Things

When my first baby was born, I expected to come home with a bundle of joy and an additional bundle of worries. I was prepared to be carrying a little person with me all the time. What I wasn’t prepared for was the guilt I seemed to carry with me all the time as well.

We’ve all heard of “Mom Guilt,” and I would venture to say “Dad Guilt” is a thing too. It’s just one that isn’t talked about as much. I’ll continue to use Mom Guilt here, but, Dads, know that we see your feelings, too. We so often chalk our feelings up to Mom Guilt and call them normal.

Most of the time, the things we feel Mom Guilt about are not things that were actually wrong. Did I hurt someone on purpose? Of course not! If I did, my guilt would be justified. In reality, my Mom Guilt comes at times like when I take an extra couple of minutes in the shower, while I know my spouse is watching the kids. I did nothing wrong, so why do I feel guilty?

This year let’s make a promise to ourselves to only feel guilty about the things that actually warrant guilt. Here are three things to stop feeling guilty about right now:

Trust Your Gut

We so often feel like we need to be able to explain our decisions. I, however, believe so strongly in what I call the “Mom Gut”. Which is not, for the record, something you can work off in the gym. The Mom Gut is what sparks those little nudges you feel as a mom that something is a bad idea. Or, sometimes, a good idea. Sure, other people might think it’s stupid or silly. But I don’t need to feel guilty, or even judged, for that.

Just this morning, my Mom Gut reminded me that my little guy should not wear his puffy coat in his car seat. Concerned that someone at school drop-off might see and judge me as not putting my kid in a coat. I ended up intentionally going with my Mom Gut and listening to what the nudge (and safety recommendations) was telling me was safe.

Setting and Holding Boundaries

My kids do not like it when I set boundaries. Of course, when the boundary is that they can’t have ice cream every day. I don’t feel bad about setting it. But, when the boundary is something that benefits me, like going for a walk alone after Dad gets home from work and not allowing my kids to come along. Mom Guilt shows up.

Guilt has no place here, because, in the long run, my whole family is better for my setting that boundary. When I drop my boundary and let the kids come even though what I really need is some quiet and space to myself. I end up coming home from the walk just as agitated, if not more, than when I left. When I hold the boundary, I can come home refreshed and better able to be present and joyful with my family.

Taking Time for Yourself

This winter, I decided to gift myself a class that I have been wanting to take. When it was time to go to my office and log on to Zoom, my daughter said, “But, Mommy, aren’t you going to put me to bed?” Cue sad puppy eyes.

And, cue the Mom Guilt.

I stepped through the guilt, kissed my littles good night a bit early, and shut my office door. After that class, and even now, the morning after, I feel noticeably lighter. Again, the choice I made and action I took allowed me to be more patient and joyful with my kids even a day later.

So often, these choices that make us feel guilty in the moment are things that help us show up as better parents after the fact. When we step past the discomfort of the guilt and stay true to ourselves, we make everyone around us a little better. That’s something to be proud of, not guilty about.

3 Core Ways to Prioritize Your Self-Care

We’ve all heard more times than we can count about the importance of self-care. As mom to a preschooler with special needs, there is often so much on my plate, and it feels like my duty as the mom to ditch my self-care first.

That couldn’t be further from the truth.

Despite my inner dialogue that being a parent of a child with special needs means I don’t have time for self-care, I know that being the parent of a child with special needs means I need more self-care.  Writer and civil rights activist Audre Lorde said, “Self-care is not self-indulgence, it’s self-preservation.”

Even in the most overwhelming of times, I have learned to prioritize these three essential practices to keep caring for myself.

Set boundaries.

In this current era in which life seems to move at the speed of social media, we are all pulled in countless different directions.  Add to that the multitude of parenting demands, and those pulls increase.  Add to that the therapies, doctor appointments, advocacy, and everyday tasks that come with parenting a child with special needs, and, well, you get the idea.

Boundaries can get a bad rap because they often come with push back from those who aren’t used to your boundaries.  This quote from an unknown source really hit home for me, though: “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”  It’s OK to say no, even (perhaps especially!) if you’ve never said it before.

Make time for movement.

You might be rolling your eyes at this one, but I would also venture to say that you know it’s true.  When we move our bodies, we just feel better.

I’m not saying you need to wake up early every day for a massive sweat session. I’m not even saying you must go for a walk every day.  Think about the types of movement that feel the best for you and start there.  It can be as simple as taking 30 seconds to stretch your neck while you sit at a stop light.

Incorporating movement into your day doesn’t need to have any rules around it; it just needs to make you feel good.

Notice what lifts you up.

I believe we can each find our self-care sweet spots by taking some time to pay attention to what lifts us up.

During the most restrictive time of my pandemic lockdown, I ordered some expensive-for-me nail polish that I kept seeing on Instagram.  Feeling self-indulgent and a little vain, I gave it a try in the name of quarantine boredom.  Fast forward to 2022, and I have received manicure and pedicure kits on my birthday and Christmas and have done my nails more in the past year than I think I have in my entire life.

The feeling of lightness I get from the simple act of pampering myself by taking the time to slow down, paint my nails, and let them dry so I don’t ruin them is a sacred self-care practice for me.  For the days that follow, just looking at my fingers gives me a reminder of doing the little things to make myself feel good.

Maybe for you it’s taking a moment to mindfully indulge in a piece of chocolate or using the fancy soap in the shower that you only used to save for special occasions.  When we spend our free time doing things that lift our souls up instead of things that just let our brains shut off (I’m looking at you, social media and games involving candy that I spent too much time playing on my phone), the self-care can really soak in.

I get it; the concept of taking the time for self-care can feel like just another thing to add to your already full and overwhelming day.  Really, though, self-care is not about adding something in; it’s about shifting what you would be doing (not saying no to things you don’t want to do, spending your free time scrolling social media or playing mindless games) and replacing it with something that makes you feel more like yourself.

And, truly, if self-care is self-preservation, making self-care a priority and therefore preserving ourselves is the best gift we, as parents, can give our endlessly amazing and special kids.

Getting creative with the Holidays this Year

We’ve probably all come to the realization by now that the holidays this year are going to look different than they have in the past.

Different, however, doesn’t mean the holidays can’t be the joyful, fun events that make them something so many people look forward to.

I’ve got three tips to help you make the most of the holidays this year, no matter your circumstances.

First, start by naming what is important to you and your family.

We have done this in “normal” years (at the suggestion of one of my favorite podcasts, The Lazy Genius), and it’s incredibly helpful. The holidays can be a crazy time with lots of invitations and plans, so naming what is important to you long before the busy season begins can help you pick and choose how you’ll spend your limited time.

For us, one of our big priorities has been to have a lazy Christmas morning with just the four of us.

While that shouldn’t be a problem this particular year, having that priority identified long before we started talking with family about plans helped us know what to say no to so we could protect that time that was (and is) so important to us.

Once you’ve got your three (or so) priorities named, you can start to get creative about how to make those things happen. Maybe one of your priorities is a big white elephant exchange or seeing extended family.

When you know those are on your short list of priorities, you can start to think outside of the box as far as how to do them via Zoom, some creative outdoor gathering space, or some other way to create those things that mean the most to you.

Then, remember to keep it simple.

More than most times of year, the holidays tend to become over-the-top.

We try to do all-the-things and do them in the best, fanciest, most exciting ways. In any year, but especially a challenging year such as this, remember to keep it simple.

Outlining your priorities first is so helpful when it comes to keeping it simple, because it helps you define what you can (and should) say “no” to.

For some reason, we tend to say yes to every invitation and gift exchange and end up completely drained before the big day even rolls around.

Make sure, though, to keep your priorities simple too.

If you have a page of holiday priorities, you’re not going to be able to honor each of them.

Keep your priority list down to about three to avoid overwhelm and allow yourself the space to really enjoy them all.

Finally, set boundaries.

The holidays, more than any other time of year, tend to be a time when we feel like we have to be everything to everyone.

Use your holiday priorities to help you set boundaries. If something doesn’t fit into your priorities, don’t feel bad about saying no or changing the plan.

When we try to be everything to everyone, we actually end up ruining a lot of the fun for ourselves.

In my family, we also find it helpful to define our COVID-guidelines before we are asked.

For us, we stick to outdoor gatherings with almost everyone, and we have one family who is about as socially-distanced as we are that we agree to get together indoors with.

Since our guidelines are the same for everyone, we are able to set an objective boundary without hurting feelings and making people feel like we are leaving them out.

When you take some time before the holidays begin to do a little planning and groundwork to keep your focus on what’s important to you and your family, you’ll notice that your holidays feel much more free and fun.

And, isn’t that what it’s all about?

How we make Teletherapy work for us

If you had told me a year ago that all of my son’s therapies would be done virtually, I probably would have felt some relief. I was surprised to discover, though, that teletherapy can be much more draining that in-person sessions were.

With at least five therapies a week, our family quickly realized that something had to give before the burnout got in the way.

The Power of the Cotreat

In the past, I assumed that therapists would rather not co-treat with one another, since a one-on-one session is probably more effective.

If we’re exhausted, though, even a one-on-one session doesn’t give as much benefit.

So, I created a monthly schedule of our availability and asked our therapy team to co-treat with one another whenever they could.

It was an adjustment at first, but the benefits, for us, have outweighed the flaws.

Our therapists get to see what the other specialties work on and can bounce ideas off of each other.

Plus, we reduce the amount of time we spend in front of the computer screen while still getting the benefits of a variety of different therapies.

Planning Ahead

One of the hardest adjustments with our switch to teletherapy was just having materials.

Our therapists would often ask us if we had a certain toy nearby, and the state of my increasingly messy pandemic house was not the best for finding specific toys quickly.

So, I started sending an email to the therapy team on Sunday evenings to see if we could come up with a couple of activities ahead of time.

This way, I could gather the necessary materials without wasting time in the session trying to find things or having to change the plan because I couldn’t dig something up.

Find a Common Thread

As we’ve all gotten used to doing a little more communication as far as planning ahead for teletherapy sessions, I recently started a new idea of having a theme for the week and passing it along to the therapists in my Sunday email.

They don’t have to use the theme if they don’t want to, but it can provide a nice common element for my family as we practice things and do activities–or even just talk with each other–throughout the week.

My son is young and working on developing foundational language, so our themes are centered around core words like go, see, like, etc., but themes can also be centered around the time of year, favorite objects, and even people or places.

Of course, this idea could just feel like too much.

The key for our family as far as anything goes with teletherapy is to give ourselves permission to take a step back.

Some days, my little guy is too cranky to make a therapy session productive, so I just ask if we can have a grown-up conversation about strategies during the session and let him do his own thing.

Some days, the session just isn’t working, so I ask if we can cut it a little short.

The operative word in those previous sentences is ASK.

Your therapy team wants to make this work for your child and your family, but they can’t read your mind.

Being an effective team means asking for what you want or need and helping each other help your child reach their goals and milestones.

 

 

Siblings are along for the ride

“Mommyyyyy! He’s sitting! He’s SITTING!” my four-year-old shouted from the other room.

Sure enough, I turned the corner and saw that my two-year-old had pulled himself up to sitting for the first time on his own.

Needless to say, this moment was huge for him and for our family.

One of the coolest things about it, though, was that my daughter, who very rarely seems to recognize that anything about her brother is different was just as excited about it as I was.

She cheered him on and kept him interested so I could take a picture before he fell over. And, when she told her daddy about it later on, her excitement had not subsided.

Aside from growing my mom-heart about ten sizes, this moment reminded me of something I often forget: Siblings are on the roller coaster too.

Although she is only four and can’t understand her brother’s special needs like her dad and I do, my daughter knows that her brother spends more time in the hospital, has more medicines, special seats, and other equipment, and just has more challenges than other kids.

She also knows that he has to work extra hard to do things that other kids don’t even have to think about doing.

The weight of that knowledge is something I wish my daughter didn’t have to carry, but, this is the hand we have been dealt.

Because my daughter carries the weight of some of the hard stuff, she also gets to experience the pure joy of the high points along with us.

Sometimes, especially when things are hard, we forget that there are gifts all around us, and I’m thankful that my daughter gets to experience the gifts of being a family with special needs.

I know that the things that she learns in the hard times are gifts as well.

So, today, here’s to the brothers and sisters.

We know you don’t always get the same attention your sibling does.

We know you have to make sacrifices.

We know you have to see and experience scary things and take on responsibilities that your friends don’t.

But, we also know that you are amazing, and we are so thankful for you.

You will soar and make the world a better place.

How We Make Teletherapy Work for Us

If you had told me a year ago that all of my son’s therapies would be done virtually, I probably would have felt some relief. I was surprised to discover, though, that teletherapy can be much more draining that in-person sessions were.

With at least five therapies a week, our family quickly realized that something had to give before the burnout got in the way.

The Power of the Cotreat

In the past, I assumed that therapists would rather not co-treat with one another, since a one-on-one session is probably more effective. If we’re exhausted, though, even a one-on-one session doesn’t give as much benefit. So, I created a monthly schedule of our availability and asked our therapy team to co-treat with one another whenever they could.

It was an adjustment at first, but the benefits, for us, have outweighed the flaws. Our therapists get to see what the other specialties work on and can bounce ideas off of each other. Plus, we reduce the amount of time we spend in front of the computer screen while still getting the benefits of a variety of different therapies.

Planning Ahead

One of the hardest adjustments with our switch to teletherapy was just having materials. Our therapists would often ask us if we had a certain toy nearby, and the state of my increasingly messy pandemic house was not the best for finding specific toys quickly.

So, I started sending an email to the therapy team on Sunday evenings to see if we could come up with a couple of activities ahead of time. This way, I could gather the necessary materials without wasting time in the session trying to find things or having to change the plan because I couldn’t dig something up.

Find a Common Thread

As we’ve all gotten used to doing a little more communication as far as planning ahead for teletherapy sessions, I recently started a new idea of having a theme for the week and passing it along to the therapists in my Sunday email. They don’t have to use the theme if they don’t want to, but it can provide a nice common element for my family as we practice things and do activities–or even just talk with each other–throughout the week.

My son is young and working on developing foundational language, so our themes are centered around core words like go, see, like, etc., but themes can also be centered around the time of year, favorite objects, and even people or places.

Of course, this idea could just feel like too much. The key for our family as far as anything goes with teletherapy is to give ourselves permission to take a step back. Some days, my little guy is too cranky to make a therapy session productive, so I just ask if we can have a grown-up conversation about strategies during the session and let him do his own thing. Some days, the session just isn’t working, so I ask if we can cut it a little short.

The operative word in those previous sentences is ASK. Your therapy team wants to make this work for your child and your family, but they can’t read your mind. Being an effective team means asking for what you want or need and helping each other help your child reach their goals and milestones.

My Two Non-Negotiables to Make ME a Priority

As soon as I announced I was pregnant with my first baby, I began to be inundated with advice.

You should get [insert random baby product]….You shouldn’t let the baby sleep in your bedroom…. You should wear the baby all the time….You should sleep now, because you’re not going to sleep again for 18 years.

All those shoulds led me to start speaking to myself the same way when I had my first and started to get my hands dirty (literally and figuratively) as a mother.

I should put her to bed earlier…. I shouldn’t let her have that much sugar….

I could go on and on and on.

So, when my second baby was born with special needs, the shoulds certainly didn’t go away.

In this season of my motherhood, I’ve learned that I can should myself out of anything. Instead, I decided to start talking myself INTO things instead of out of them.

In the craziness of motherhood, it’s easy to talk myself out of the things that I do just for me. For me, those two things are exercise and quiet time. I fiercely protect these times of my day, refusing to schedule in just about anything that will conflict with them.

Exercise was the first thing to go when my second baby was born and spent months at a time in the hospital. Of course, I give myself grace for the difficulty of that time, but I came up with all sorts of imaginary reasons why exercise couldn’t happen for a long time outside of those difficulties, not because it was too hard or I was too tired, but because I should have been doing any number of other “unselfish” things instead.

When I prioritized exercise, I discovered how much it changed me and brought positivity into my life on even the hard days. Now, I schedule my exercise first thing in the morning, ideally before my kids are out of bed, and, if something happens to get in the way, I have the whole day to figure it out.

My other self-care non-negotiable is quiet time. Now that my oldest is four, naps have become a thing of the past. I still hold that quiet time sacred, though, more for my own quiet than for her (although she benefits from it equally as much).

I often feel guilty about it, but I don’t allow myself to do any housework or work-work during that one hour in the middle of the day. I read a book, play a game on my phone, or sometimes–gasp–take a nap. This hour to reset makes me feel so much more refreshed than I would have if I tried to cram some jobs into that time.

I’m not sure where we as moms learned that taking time for ourselves is selfish. I’m here to tell you, it’s not. For me, it’s exercise and quiet time. For you, it could be any number of different possibilities. What matters is that it makes you feel like, well, you.

When we prioritize ourselves in just a few little ways, the ripple effect is huge. I believe I am a better mom, wife, friend, employee, sister, etc. when I am a better ME, and prioritizing myself makes ME better.

How will you start prioritizing yourself?

The One Question that Guides My Tough COVID Decisions

If you had told me a year ago that my two-year-old would have a Zoom meeting almost every day, I would have called you crazy.

But here we are in 2020, where just about nothing is too crazy anymore.

When my state began shutting down due to coronavirus, all of my son’s up to seven weekly therapy sessions switched from in-home to live video. There was certainly a learning curve, but we have all gotten used to the new normal of video chats with some of our therapist “friends” who used to come to our house.

Now that things are starting to open back up, our family, and perhaps yours too, is left with some decisions to make on whether to continue with video visits or allow some (or all) therapies back into our home (or heading back into an office, if that’s how your therapies are conducted).

For me, one simple question guides all of this decision making:

What provides the smallest risk with the potential for the greatest reward?

In our family, having all therapists back in our home is too big of a risk for the amount we believe our son would benefit from live visits again. He is receptive to video call and works well with us as the therapist guides our activities and approach.

This decision doesn’t have to be all or nothing, though. As we weighed each therapy along the same question, my husband and I decided that having physical therapy in-person could provide some significant benefits versus video visits, and we trust and know our therapist well enough to feel that the risk is minimal.

I can’t emphasize enough, though, that every situation is different for every single family. What works for my family will not work for yours, and what works for yours will not work for mine. We can’t compare or judge anyone’s decisions when we filter our decisions through my guiding question: What provides the smallest risk with the greatest reward?

These times are forcing us all into difficult and scary decisions. I’m here to tell you that you’re doing a great job.

Speaking of doing a great job, I can’t close out an article like this without sending a big thank you to all of the hard-working therapists out there. We are so very grateful for all of you, although we probably rarely show it as much as you deserve. You are more special to us than you will ever really know.