The first time I realized my daughter’s tantrum was more than a tantrum was right around the time she was diagnosed with autism.

She was just shy of three years old and was flailing on the floor and kicking, which quickly progressed to banging her head against the wall.

She was in full-blown meltdown.

It’s hard to explain to someone who isn’t familiar with special needs the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown.

When people see (and hear) a screaming child out in public, they tend to assume the child is spoiled, or if it’s a really small child, just plain tired.

I used to be the same way. I worked in retail for years, starting when I was in high school, and I have experienced my fair share of upset kids.

There would be many times where the parents would give in and get them the candy, toy, or balloon they wanted so they could shop in peace. As soon as they got their desired item, the wails would stop.

That is one of the main differences between tantrums and meltdowns. Meltdowns can’t be stopped or pacified with a treat.

Meltdowns are much more intense; once they get going, they reach what I like to call “the point of no return.”

After this, all you can do is remove them from the situation if you can, and try to keep them safe until they calm down.

When my daughter was small, it was easier. All I had to do was scoop her up and carry her, potato sack style over my shoulder and take her away from wherever we were.

Now she is 12 and almost as tall as I am. She is also strong as Hell, and when she reaches the point of no return, things get real. She can be a real danger not just to others, but to herself as well.

Biting, scratching, bolting with no thought as to where she is going; she has zero sense of safety.

A few months ago, I had to physically restrain her before she could run into the bus lane at school during dismissal time.

These public episodes used to be embarrassing. Now, I just go into survival mode and think about it later.

My 8-year-old son’s tantrums are still very much tantrums. He doesn’t like the word “No,” and he makes it known- loudly.

It’s evolved from kicking and screaming on the floor to expressing himself at the top of his lungs as to why he is angry, followed with an indignant “hmmph!” and stomping away.

Five minutes later, he is distracted by something else, and the reason why he was upset to begin with, seems completely forgotten.

Both of these types of outbursts can make me feel like I need an emotional detox…. or a stiff drink. Both require totally different interventions, and we are still learning as we go.

By now I’m past the point of being embarrassed when these things happen in public; I just go into survival mode.

My priority is keeping my child safe and deescalating them as soon as possible, and that leaves no room to worry about what other people are thinking at the moment.

Many times, I’ve resorted to my sarcastic sense of humor to deal with the situation, but sometimes I don’t even have time for that.

I just need to get us out as fast as I can.

The biggest takeaway I have from living this life is never to judge anyone that may be in this situation, ever.

There are a million and one reasons that a kid could be screaming in public, and the last thing the parents need is judgment, and dirty looks directed their way.

While no one can “fix” the situation, a smile goes a long way. So does a few words of encouragement.  It’s amazing how much a few kind words can turn someone’s day around.

If you read the news, scroll through social media or turn on a television, chances are you’ve been bombarded recently with a controversial topic – childhood vaccines and their suspected link to Autism.

Newly published studies discounting the belief that the two are related make the issue impossible to elude.

You can’t escape the often heated, attacking opinions from both sides of this debate.

News stories have begun surfacing of children going against their parent’s “anti-vaxxing” beliefs and making the decision to have themselves vaccinated.

While I believe this is a personal choice, I also believe in keeping my own children as healthy as I possibly can. It’s my duty.

The fear of a measles outbreak scares me; I have a daughter with an immune system that isn’t as strong as that of others.

When illness hits her, she’s easily compromised and it hits her hard.

She has more to contend with than typical eight-year-olds. With arguments on this topic surrounding us and with the media’s constant coverage, our children are hearing what the world is saying.

The wisest and profound perspective I’ve heard on the topic came from the mouth of my fourteen-year-old son.

He happens to be on the Autism Spectrum.

This conversation recently arose in my home and a defining moment occurred that solidified my stance.  I’m not a scientist or a medical professional.

I’m a mother.  Protecting my children from harm is my top priority.

I’ve always kept my children’s vaccinations up to date, despite my own fears of medication side effects.

I’m not naïve; I know that medicines are not perfect.  In recent years, I’ve even taken the holistic approach in treating my child’s ADHD and Anxiety.

Natural medicine to supplement my child’s seizure medication has been life-changing.

What my son brought up and said to me made me grateful for the position we hold on this topic and the path we’ve taken as a family.

“I’m glad you’re not one of those Moms who didn’t vaccinate us because you were afraid of us having Autism. I’d rather have Autism than get a deadly disease; So what if I’m different?”

And there it was.  The statement that stopped me in my tracks.

His words resonated with me and made me sad at how society is making individuals with Autism feel over this.  I had to take a moment to let it sink in.

I’m not suggesting that Autism is an easy road; it is quite the contrary, for individuals and their families.

However, as one of my heroes, Temple Grandin proclaimed: individuals with Autism are “Different, Not Less.”

I’m proud of my son; he is incredibly bright, funny, and gifted in very special ways.

Autism doesn’t define him; it’s just a part of him.

It’s a vital part that helps make up the unique soul that he is. The wisdom in his words impressed me tremendously and made a great impact.

What an excellent advocate I think he’s going to grow up to be…for himself and for others with Autism.

We need to take a step back and think of how our words and actions affect others.  We are inflicting feelings that people with Autism are less; they don’t deserve that.

In our family, we’ve learned to celebrate our differences and our ABILITIES.  No matter what the cause of Autism truly is, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

I cannot believe the difference in Isla since removing screens 5 weeks ago.

She had a few to chose from! The iPad, the laptop, the computer, and the Nintendo Switch, I stupidly bought her for Christmas thinking it would help with her social interaction….it didn’t!

The humble TV was never switched on with her preferring to flick between YouTube, Minecraft, the occasional game and her Nintendo.

The television is now the only screen Isla is allowed with family movie nights now and again!

Firstly let me say I am not the Device Police

Devices were ruling our life at home. Isla would wake early, often at the uncivilised time of 4 am or 5 am, purely to get back in front of a screen.

She would choose to stay in her virtual world over pretty much everything else, including interacting with others.

After seeing the complete change in her since removing devices you may question why we didn’t do it sooner…. there are many reasons.

So if you are reading this and still in that place I don’t want you to feel any guilt or despair.

I would refuse to read any articles about how modern-day technology was bad for our children’s brains.

Although I used to sometimes wonder what she may be doing if she didn’t have access to devices, it was always in the too hard basket. I simply didn’t have the energy.

I also don’t regret exposing Isla to technology.

In fact, I’m really grateful for devices as they helped us get through those early years.

In Isla’s first 10 years of life, she was impulsive, hyperactive, reactive and pretty hard to parent. They definitely helped save my sanity.

A screen helped us toilet train. The only way we could get her to sit on the potty or toilet long enough was in front of a screen.

A screen helped her try different food. The computer distracted her enough to mindlessly eat and then she would realise this new food tasted good after all.

A screen allowed us to go out for dinner as a family.

A screen helped teach her to read. She surprised me one day when reading out all the Minecraft elements.

A screen helped her to learn. Isla has an enquiring mind and would often search YouTube videos to explain things where she needed a more detailed description.

A screen stopped the house being destroyed while I was busy around the house.

Isla has poor impulse control/executive functioning. She often touches mindlessly, unscrews and unpackages everything (I partly blame YouTube What’s Inside!!).

A screen gave her sensory feedback.

 Isla is a huge sensory seeker.  A device seemed to give her the visual input and stimulation she needed to keep regulated. She was in control and this made her feel good.

It all sounds pretty good and harmless right? It was but then it wasn’t.

I came across a really good article “The 4 Week Plan to Reset Your Child’s Brain“.

It is an overview of a 4-week program that psychiatrist Victoria Dunckley, M.D. developed to reverse the impact of too much electronic screen time on the developing vulnerable brain in children and teenagers.

From this, I devised a plan to start our device fast or detox.

One of the recommended steps was doing a thorough “screen sweep” and completely removing all devices. This had never really occurred to me before.

The way I had previously attempted reducing screen time was to slot it into her visual schedule.

She was allowed it upon waking and then again as a reward after getting ready for school.

This never worked.

She would sneak it down at breakfast or find another device to go on if the iPad was taken away.

If I managed to keep her slightly on task she would rush through everything mindlessly so she could return to her chosen screen.

Suddenly armed with this new strategy of going “cold turkey” I felt more confident I could do this. I fully expected there to be tantrums and resistance though.

I explained to Isla how it was bad for her brain and we were going to have a month’s break from devices. She actually seemed okay with it.

I don’t think she fully believed it and I was prepared for some backlash.

So we started. It was my job to teach Isla what to do with no device to fill her time.  I planned to have the day structured with various activities to choose from but it turns out this wasn’t needed or wanted.

Isla’s Device Fast – The First Four Weeks

The First Week

On the first day Isla woke and scoured the house for a device. With no iPad or laptop to be seen, she ran down to check the computer.

The cord had been removed and she looked a bit panicked!  She finally settled down to read and listen to a new CD book once she realised we were for real.

Was nice to see her arrive in the kitchen and help peel a carrot for her lunch.

As after-school activities don’t start up until next week I booked in Isla’s carer buddies in every day after school.

Isla is already used to having no devices when they are here.  She enjoyed a week of playing babies, board games, pretend play and art with her student friends.

She went looking and asking for a device at every opportunity for the rest of the week.

Mornings were the hardest.

She would make numerous attempts to turn on the TV. Found her Leap Pad at the back of her wardrobe and started charging it up.

She even resorted to playing with the phone and its tiny screen!

I had to tell her that all her devices had been removed from the house to prevent her from climbing up the bookshelf and pulling the cushions from the couch.

I also explained to her that we weren’t taking all these things away to punish her but to help give her brain a break.

It wasn’t until day 5 she made no mention of a device.

Even though she was constantly looking we did not have one meltdown and this was really surprising.  From day one she seemed calmer, more engaged, less drained and balanced.

As the week went on she became less manic and hyper, not trying to rush everything to get to the iPad.

Her sleep improved. Some mornings she was sleeping to 7 am.

Often she would wake up and then, realising there was nothing better to do, would go back to sleep.

She spent more time in the garden, playing with her sisters and even went on a scooter ride after a day at school!!.

We constantly had to keep her busy and distracted. Every time she was at a loss I would give her suggestions of what she could do.

We read photo books, travel scrapbooks and Rainbow Magic chapter books together to fill the gaps that were previously spent on the iPad.

It took until day 4 for her to start playing with her toys again.

Day 5 was a great day!!! Isla was out of her virtual world and in the real world.

She started making her own breakfast and lunch. Put on some washing. Used the Dustbuster to clean front entrance. Did therapy exercises. Topped up the dogs’ water.

Cleaned own teeth for longer than she ever has. Walked Bo to school on her own (with me alongside, of course). Helped me clear and do dishes after dinner.

At this point, it felt like she had changed her strategy and was on her best behaviour so we would allow devices back.

So we talked about getting her Nintendo Switch back after the 4 weeks as a reward.

I made it clear that it will be only on weekends and for one hour only and she seemed happy with that.

We had a couple of family movie nights during the first week.  I noticed immediately when the movie started so did the vocal stimming. It was loud and really obvious after not having heard it for a few days.

Isla had to choose a movie that everyone else wants to watch rather than watching the same one over and over again. This caused a bit of distress.

Week 2

Isla comes and has a chat most mornings when she wakes up and isn’t rushing off and isolating herself with a device.

She still tries to turn on the TV most days and tries to run off with my phone.

By the end of the second week of term we are back into a busy schedule and Isla has managed to fire off some random texts.

She has also been found on the computer watching Captain Underpants when the cord has accidentally been left plugged in.

She thinks it is hilarious when she is caught!

I love how she is playing with her toys again but gets anxious downstairs alone.

Her love of books is growing. She falls asleep with books all around her.

By the end of the week is picking up and reading her Rainbow Magic chapter books herself which is encouraging to see.

It’s pretty constant making sure she has something to do and not getting into mischief but still definitely worth the extra work.

She is so much more interactive with people and in the world.

She is having way more sleep and there are moments when she just lays still…. just chilling out.

I love how she is so helpful in the kitchen and keeps up with the washing.

We are managing to keep to our exercise, writing and reader schedule.  It takes a little coercing but is a lot easier than battling with getting her off her iPad like we used to.

She is really enjoying visiting the library and choosing new books. Is so much less tired and enthusiastic to come on outings like visiting the supermarket.

One thing I have noticed is that when I brush her hair in the morning she does not scream out and cry like she used to.

Maybe this is because she is getting more sleep or maybe because her sensory system isn’t over stimulated.

Week 3-5

Life has got busy but having no devices have become our norm!!!

Books have replaced the iPad and Isla likes to shop for books rather than toys. She reads books on the toilet, reads books in bed and reads books while eating her breakfast.

Isla is especially keen on Captain Underpants Books and has moved on from the Magic Kingdom Fairy books (thank goodness).

She is picking up and reading books herself and I haven’t had to read to her much at all now.

Her CD player isn’t being used much at all apart from lullabies at night time since she discovered chapter books.

She still is trying to grab our devices at any opportunity.  We have to be vigilant!!!

Toys cover our living room floor.

She spends more time in the garden, jumps on the trampoline with her toys and plays with water.  It takes me back to when she was 3 years old before the iPad took over.

She is happier and less stimulated. Loves to chat. Is getting more sleep rather than pushing through tiredness.

She is more engaged and alert. Is more helpful and compliant.

Isla is still a busy girl who loves to touch and explore (and sometimes break) everything.

She would still like to sit in front of a screen all day long, if she had a chance but I am so amazed we have got this far. It feels a huge weight has been lifted.

Dear Rory,

Writing this letter is one of the most difficult things I have ever done, yet also feels so necessary.

Any sibling of a special need’s child has a difficult time.

They too are a child, but so much more is expected of them. Being a twin, you have never known a time without Alfie, and in some ways, this has helped.

There has never been a time that you have had our ‘full attention’. You’ve has always had to share, yet often do not get an equal amount of our time or attention.

Alfie needs us so much that you are often starting to help us with him. You are growing up faster each day and are the ‘older sibling’ though the same age.

We feel ourselves telling you to be careful with Alfie less and less as you learn that Alfie is different, and yet you treat him no differently.

You love him fiercely and fight with him as any siblings do. But you are fast becoming so much more than just Alfie’s twin.

You are his best friend as he is yours, his competition yet his supporter, his brother but his carer.

You bring him toys and help to feed him, you comfort him when he is sad and encourage him to babble and develop.

You are learning so quickly that Alfie needs more help to do simple tasks and isn’t always able to join in, yet you always find a way to include him.

You bring such joy and happiness to all our lives; that is indescribable. And yet I feel guilty.

At night, when I tuck you both into bed and kiss you both goodnight, my heart aches that I didn’t play with you enough.

That I focused on Alfie too much and didn’t give you enough attention.

I worry that you felt left out or ignored, or even worse-forgotten. My sweet little boy who loves nothing more than cuddles and dinosaurs, who runs to me for kisses and will always be my baby.

I worry that you think I forgot you, but I never could.

How could I forget my little Rorz, who curls up on my lap for a story, and loves biscuits; who signs when he is too tired to talk and is always excited to see us after nursery.

How could I forget you when your laugh is infectious, your smile is so sweet, and your heart is so full.

It may seem that we forget about you when Alfie needs us more, but we never could.

You make us so proud every day.

There will be days to come where we may not give you as much attention as you would like, but what will never change is how much we love you.

What will never change is how we will always be there for you to support you, to pick you up when you are down, to help you need it and to teach you all that we can.

Alfie may need us more, but you are both our little boys, our babies, our first-borns. We love you both unconditionally and always will.