I’m probably in the minority of people that did not make any resolutions at New Years.
Instead, I made decisions instead that were based on the ‘annus horribilis’ I had.
I had high hopes for last year, as I’m sure almost everyone does when celebrating the start of a brand-new year.
Sometimes it doesn’t go to plan. Sometimes a year can test your inner strength to it’s limits.
In the first couple of months of 2019 I found a breast lump which then led to weeks of scans, tests, hospital visits and extreme panic and anxiety before finally being given the news that it was not cancer.
I didn’t tell many people about it and only would have if it was serious.
My dad was starting to lose his cancer battle at that point with treatment being stopped and a good friend was mid-way through her chemo routine for Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
My lump was nothing in comparison to what they were going through.
The good friend I mentioned, went through hell in her chemo treatment and we almost lost her a couple of times.
Every time she was allowed home for a short stay, I was so relieved to see her.
Half way through the year my dad’s health was declining and we lost him at the end of August.
Even though he passed away very quickly and peacefully, it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life and the grief comes in tidal waves.
Prior to Christmas certain family members caused so much conflict and pain by their rumor spreading, accusations and general spitefulness, that it led to me cutting them from my life forever.
I do not want my children growing up around such hatred and nastiness. Three friends then lost parents within months of each other. Bad news just kept coming and gave me no time to breathe.
Anxiety and depression kicked my backside a lot during the last 12 months, partly due to what was happening and me not having time and energy to work through and process it all.
It felt as if there was no gap between bad news and horrific events that just kept coming and on New Years Eve just gone, I sat alone waiting for the clock to chime and officially say goodbye to that year.
When it did, I cried what felt like a years’ worth of tears, a wave of grief and relief took over and I felt very alone.
So I sat and thought about the brand new 12 months facing me and decided these would help me through this year:
Be kind to myself. Allow myself to make mistakes and move forward remembering I am human and I need time to heal and grieve.
Give myself permission to remove toxic people from my life and not feel guilty about doing so. They cause too much damage. Family or not, if they are damaging your mental health then get rid of them.
Keep dreams, hopes and expectations low. This may sound harsh but right now, it’s what I need. Self-preservation and healing is what I need right now and this is my way of doing it. It’s the little control I have and need to start this year.
It’s great to make resolutions at New Year and I have lots of friends that do, but it’s also a perfect time to reflect, make choices and decisions and take a little time to think of what you really need to happen, what you need to change and I hope you do so guilt free.