Despite all this, and believing that I was at peace with this decision, last week's appointment has thrown me off kilter completely.
The question of genetics has been asked; there was shock that he’s never been referred to them before, and once again the subject of whether we wish to have more children was raised.
It had never really occurred to me before that finding out whether Sam's issues could be due to a heritable reason was all that important – after all, we weren’t having any more children so it didn’t seem to matter so much against the backdrop of everything else that was going on.
And yet, the knowledge that he should have been referred and that the results of those investigations that could have changed our decision has really hit hard.
Probably because I have quite a few friends currently expecting their next baby, and the sadness that we won’t be joining them in the 2nd/3rd baby announcements is still very much there.
It’s a strange feeling. Not grief as such, more a numbness that has sharp edges…
I find when it hits I struggle to focus and concentrate. I know our decision was made for the right reasons and that Sams condition wasn’t a deciding factor, but even so…. As I get closer to my 40’s knowing that that biological window of opportunity will be closing in the not-too-distant-future seems to have rebooted my biological clock.
But then I remember all my other friends who have never been blessed with a child – friends who tried for many years to have a baby, only to suffer miscarriage after miscarriage.
Those who struggled through IVF but were still suffering the pain of being childless.
My boy is here. For all he is a complex little chap he is HERE.
Our life has had far more twists and turns than I ever imagined but the happy days still outnumber the sad ones.
If nothing else, my precious little guy has taught me to be thankful for every single blessing, and to live in the moment because no-one is promised a tomorrow.
So, as we face the next round of investigations and tests to try and locate a root cause to Sam's issues and prepare ourselves for what answers we may get, I intend to keep smiling and moving forward.
After all, none of us can go back to the past, can we? And for now, my little family is still here and happy, what more can I ask.