Yes, you already love him with all your being.
Yes, financially at first you will struggle.
Yes, the sleepless nights are intense.
Yes, he will have his 10 fingers and 10 toes BUT he will also come with a lot more...
He will bring with him things that you never thought of.
You will love harder than you have ever loved before but also the heartbreak you will endure will also be just as intense.
When he gets to about two you will start to compare him to other children and wonder why he does certain things, you will also blame yourself A LOT.
You will be told that he is severely short sighted and needs glasses at around the same time.
Although that’s painful and stressful you put all the thoughts about his quirky ways down to the fact that he has not been able to see anything – you will be sure that now he will change.
He continues to grow before your eyes and you’re now blaming his behaviours on the terrible toddler years.
You will ask your health visitor how is he doing and as he starts preschool you will raise your concerns again, you will be frustrated that you think no one is listening to you and again you blame yourself.
You can’t understand WHY your child, WHY doesn’t he listen, WHY doesn’t he understand.
People are helping in the background but things take time, you cannot control this journey and yes it will scare you.
I know you want what’s best but it has to be done right and all the observations and assessments and checks are necessary.
You will frantically scour the internet for CURES and traits and identifiable aspects to see if what they are saying about your baby is true.
They never actually mention Autism; it is you, it is you that collects all the facts and the research and it’s you that attends the appointments armed with questions.
It is you that attends the speech and language sessions incase its JUST a slight speech delay.
It is you that is a full time working mum but up exhausted at 2am as he has slept since 7 and now after a cat nap is ready for a whole new day.
It is also you that thinks that it’s just a mum’s job to deal with these things.
You will play things down to Jay as if it reflects badly on you that these things are happening.
It’s not, it’s just one of them things – you should really share things that are worrying you more, you would have less anxiety.
Others will tell you that he doesn’t look any different.
That he may grow out of it in time.
That it could be worse!
You’re doing great Zowie, no one has the answers.
Yes many have walked your shoes in the past and many will in the future but no one’s journey is the same.
People will admire you and tell you how they don’t know how you do it, they comment that he is a credit to you and his Dad and isn’t he so clever.
By the time he is 8 years old the early years will be a blur; you did great, you got through and even start blogging your experiences to try and help others!
He’s a polite, loving, intelligent young man and yes he is a credit to you and Jay.
You never stop worrying; even though you’re not as neurotic as you once were, you don’t let autism get in the way.
You don’t make excuses and you do not to let the label be a get out clause.
I’m proud of you, don’t be so hard on yourself – you will get there and although the worries are still there you will be happy.
You are strong just like your own mama and you do what needs to be done.