I am looking forward to having the adaptions done as it means Oscar will be able to access his home better.
He will have a bigger bedroom to move about and play in (and store his ever growing pile of toys in) and also have his own wet room which he desperately needs as our current bathroom is just not suitable.
I am not, however, looking forward to having workmen in and the mess and disruption that having these adaptions will cause.
When we have the adaptions done we will also be having ceiling hoists put into Oscar’s bedroom and wet room.
This is something I am finding very difficult to get my head around.
I think that it is the sudden realisation that at some point I am no longer going to be able to carry or hold my child properly or safely, and that breaks my heart.
Oscar is only getting bigger and heavier so deep down I know that the need for a hoist is not too far away.
But, having a hoist fitted also makes me feel like I am accepting that Oscar will never be able to sit up or walk and I am not ready for this.
I accepted Oscar’s specialist chair, standing frame, specialist buggy and bath seat without a second thought.
But, a hoist?
I don’t know why I find accepting that piece of equipment so difficult, but I do.
Maybe it is because they look so clinical.
Maybe it is the thought that if Oscar ever has any friends around to play and they go into his room it will stand out like a sore thumb.
It will be something else that makes him ‘different’.
I know that having the hoists fitted are in the best of interest of me and Oscar to ensure neither of us are hurt when lifting and handling but it also comes with the slight feeling of resentment on my part that we will have the need for a hoist at all and I know that sounds awful.
It makes me feel awful and it is not like me to feel this way.
I know we are lucky that we are going to be having these adaptions (we applied for a Disabled Living Grant) as other people who desperately need adaptions and equipment simply do not have this option.
So, I know that this post sounds a little ungrateful and it is not meant to as I am very grateful but sometimes, what deep down you know is for the ‘best’ does not always seem that way.