Mind in Overdrive
This is something I wrote when I was pregnant and wasn't confident enough to share at the time!
I now have a beautifully healthy baby girl and there was no need for me to put pressure on myself, but I did and I want people to know it's OK to feel worried and apprehensive.
Someone said to me don't be one of those pregnant mum's that won't lift or move anything.
Now to them it's probably looking like I've over reacted to this comment. But if they knew the feelings inside of guilt that I could have done more for Ethan, or that this time this pregnancy is even more special than anyone realises then maybe they would understand more.
Well do you know what I have been so totally scared this pregnancy that something will go wrong and that I won't ever actually get to hold my baby girl or that I won't do a good job again at growing her properly that actually I am doing all I can to protect my princess while I can.
Now if that means being extra cautious and following the rules to ensure her pregnancy is a long and fulfilling one, then so be it.
I know deep down that I didn't cause Ethan’s problems but I can't help still blaming myself thinking that it could have been something I did while he was inside me.
I didn't have a stress-free pregnancy with Ethan, in fact it was quite the opposite.
I was in an incredibly stressful and emotional relationship which caused me to put a lot of stress on the baby. I was threatened and abused and had pre-natal depression. Something I don't talk about openly. Now there is no proof that this caused Ethan’s genetic disorder, but there's also no proof that it didn't either.
I have put a lot of pressure on myself this time to create a baby who doesn't have to suffer like Ethan does daily.
Now if that means I am one of those mothers who listen to all the advice about being good and not putting strain on my body, then do you know what I am one of those mothers.
I will do all I can to ensure that my baby girl has the best possible chance to grow and develop to her full potential.
The stress and worry through this pregnancy have eased a lot but will never go away.
I can never fully relax knowing that whatever happens won't be down to something I have or haven't done.
I was careful with Eth apart from the stress element yet things still didn't form properly for him. So, this time being extra cautious for me is even more important. I want to know that I've done all I can to help give my princess the best opportunity.