• English
  • French
  • German
  • Italian
  • Portuguese
  • Spanish
  • Swedish
Back to Firefly Blog

It’s Not A Secret

It’s Not A Secret

It’s not a secret that you can’t walk

Although we truly believed you would

Last summer

And this summer

But we are still waiting


It's not a secret that you can't talk

But the few words that you can say are like the sweetest music

And when I say ‘I love you’, you say 'bike' or 'cat' and may never say ‘I love you too mummy’


It's not a secret that you have difficulty learning

Learning to read, write, paint a picture for mummy’s fridge

Learning to push the train along the track

Rather than destroy the track

Learning that it’s not ok to hug strangers

Or throw your iPad across Starbucks


It's not a secret that you wear a spinal brace

Although I used to buy extra-large jumpers to conceal it

And I want to punch people when they ask how long you will have to wear it for

Because it may be forever


It's not a secret that you wear specialised boots

And will never wear Converse or Nike


It's not a secret that you own a walking aid, a wheelchair, a school activity chair, an orthopaedic chair, a bath board, a toilet seat and a standing frame

And we have a cupboard full of free nappies


It's not a secret that your best friends are Iggle Piggle, Noddy and Thomas the Tank

And your favourite playground is the consultant's waiting room


It's not a secret that I have cried seven times this week

And it's seven days since I had a bath


It's not a secret that I feel constant anguish over your future

Or the lack of it

Or the uncertainty of it


It's not a secret that my fridge is full of wine

My cupboard is full of chocolate

And my calendar is full of appointments


It's not a secret that I want to spend precious weekends with you

Not drinking wine with my mates

Like the old days

But reserve the right to want to drink wine with my mates at a moment’s notice

When I really need to talk about my woes

And expect them to understand


It's not a secret that I used your disabled badge in Sainsbury's car park the other day when you weren't with me


It's not a secret that the last four years have felt like forty

But forty of the best years of my life


It's not a secret that I swear under my breath about 27 times a day

Some of them at you

Some of them at your baby brother

And some of them at your daddy

Not under my breath


It's not a secret that I wake in the middle of the night to listen to you breathing

And sometimes creep in and stroke your face

Because you don't really like me doing that when you're awake


It's not a secret that we wound the bobbin up

And back again

About twelve times yesterday

And I pointed to the ceiling, the door, the window and the floor

And you looked at me

And clapped

And signed 'again'


It's not a secret that I sometimes lie when friends ask if I'm OK

Because to explain why I'm not ok

Would be too painful


It's not a secret that I sometimes have to hurt you

To keep you safe

To keep you out of harm’s way

To keep your quivering body still

Under the X-ray machine

Or to administer your medicine


It's not a secret that the tears I shed for you

Are mostly tears of happiness

When you say a new word

Use a new sign

Get another award from school

Or give your baby brother a cuddle


It's not a secret that I wipe your nose

Your bottom

Your tears

And will continue to do so for much longer than most mums will do for their children


It's not a secret that everyone who meets you is intoxicated by your enchanting spirit

And that it's because of you we have become better people


It's not a secret that I only share a small proportion of my life with the world…

…because the rest is a secret.

Firefly Blog

Real life stories, issues and experiences of day to day life by special needs parents and
healthcare professionals.

Emily Sutton

Meet Our Blogger

I was launched into the world of special needs on New Year's Eve 2012, on the birth of my son, Jenson. He is fabulous, sprightly and loving, and has redefined our lives. I am now a 'qualified by experience' therapist, clinician, secretary, taxi, PA, nurse, and in my spare time I am trying to be a good mummy. I am an auditor for the NHS and along with my husband run an accountancy business from home. It's a busy household but Jenson's extra genetic material seems to have given us all extra special powers!

View Emily’s Profile

Become a Firefly Blogger

Would you like to write for Firefly? Join our blogger network of parents, therapists and professionals.

Get In Touch

Become a subscriber today

Join over 40,000 subscribers to our weekly newsletter with insightful articles just when you need them.

Join Mailing List

By using our site you agree to our use of cookies. Click here for more info.

Accept & Close

No Interest if paid in full in 4 months on

Purchases on £99+

UK Customers only. Subject to credit approval. See terms below

Paypal Credit

Pay now or pay over time with PayPal Credit. Just use PayPal Credit in PayPal checkout.

Subject to credit approval.

Purchases of £99+:

No Interest if paid in full in 4 months on purchases of £99 or more.

  • A minimum monthly payment is required and may or may not pay off the promotional purchase by the end of the 4-month period.
  • No interest will be charged on the purchase if you pay it off in full within 4 months. If you do not, interest will be charged on the purchase from the purchase date at the Purchase APR applicable to your account.
  • Any remaining balance due after the 4-month promotional period or any transactions under £99 will be charged interest at 19.9% p.a. (variable).

Purchases of £98.99 or less:

Buy now and pay over time with PayPal Credit when you spend £98.99 or less.

  • If you pay your balance in full each month by the payment due date that is on your statement, you can avoid paying interest.
  • Or, make minimum monthly payments, or any additional amount of your choosing, until you've paid off your balance according to your standard account terms. Please note, interest charges may apply.
  • We'll send you email reminders when your payments are due. You can also keep track of your account and view your statements online at any time.

About PayPal Credit

  • PayPal Credit is a reusable credit line available on purchases at thousands of stores that accept PayPal. It's also available for purchases on eBay and exclusively at thousands of other online stores. Plus, it comes with the same security and flexibility you trust from PayPal.
  • In order to maintain the 0% offer, you need to keep up monthly repayments and stay within your credit limit. Credit subject to status. Terms and conditions apply. UK residents only.

Please wait...