With my mind clouded with sleep deprivation and stress, I made the decision that this was easier on the people I treasure most.
This does not mean I don’t want you to share your everyday lives with me.
Whether it’s a new career, vacation, night out on the town or something your children accomplished, I want to hear it all.
I just know that sometimes when you ask how things are here, you wind up feeling guilty for the great things that are happening and I don’t want that. Don’t get me wrong we have plenty of happy and fun days but when you ask how things are going I am leaving a lot out of our conversation.
I know all Moms can drive themselves crazy worrying about how things will play out in their children’s lives and none can predict the future but the thoughts and worries of a mother with a special needs child can be brutal.
When I lie down at night and try to drift off to sleep I worry like everyone else how school will go this year and what my sons will be like as teenagers but then my mind will focus on my Matthew.
Buddy (that’s Matthew’s nickname his brother gave him) will be turning 4 this year, he was born with a deletion of his 5th chromosome which has caused a developmental delay. I constantly worry about what’s going to happen when he gets older.
He is happy, cute as heck and making progress but he still has a long way to go.
Will he ever talk? Will he ever walk on his own?
What happens when he isn’t a toddler and people stop thinking he is cute, will they start being rude to him?
Will he make friends, have a girlfriend or get to be involved with school clubs?
Will he ever get to be just a normal kid that is included in birthday parties and play dates? Sometimes my thoughts turn selfish too and that makes me feel even worse as a mom and a human being.
Will Matthew always be dependent on me? Will he ever get to live alone? What if I have to change his diapers forever? It’s hard enough to ever get anyone to babysit for us now, we will ever get to go out and enjoy adult time again? I hope that maybe all of the people I care about can understand why I am so quiet lately.
Just typing these concerns out makes me cry and wish that I could shut my brain off.
I know that no one has the answers to any of these crazy questions and I don’t want anyone to feel they need to say “I’m sorry”.
What I do know for sure is that when Matthew smiles at me and holds on to my hand, all of the worries melt away for a while and he reminds me not matter what at least we have love and hope.