Can you believe I just actually said that out loud!? I was once scared of my child... what a thing to say, but it’s true. I was.
And I think it’s something most parents of preemies can relate to.
When you first have a baby, it can be scary! But when you have a premature baby that doubles, not only are they small and fragile but they are not fully developed and that’s a fact. Not to mention all the beeping machines surrounding that baby.
When my son was born, I had an 11-month-old daughter already so how to take care of a baby was still pretty fresh in my mind but when it came to my son, I was petrified!
He was 6 hours old when I first laid eyes on him and I’m not sure what I was expecting, but what I saw was nothing like I could have imagined.
I couldn’t actually see his face because of the breathing machines and he was bruised from head to toe so when the nurses asked if I would like to change his nappy, I of course said yes to them because he was my son and that’s what was expected but deep down, I wanted to say no, I wanted to hide away and let them do it.
They were the professionals and were used to these tiny babies, I was not!
I’m sure I was actually shaking when I started to change his nappy, he had zero fat on him and I was honestly so nervous I was going to break him! I had never seen a baby so small and delicate.
The whole nicu experience is one I’ll never forget. The nurses were absolutely amazing but at the same time I felt like I should know exactly what to do because he was MY child. Yet I didn’t, and that scared me.
I remember when he got to a stage where he was ready to start trying with breastfeeding and the nurse coming over with a blanket because he was getting so cold, machines started beeping more than usual, he wasn’t latching and I was soaking him.
We tried it once more and the same thing happened. It’s something I often look back and regret not persisting with but at the time I was so terrified of doing it wrong that I moved on to bottle feeding.
However, that didn’t come without its challenges either!
From day one I loved him more than words could describe but it wasn’t until we came home than I became a bit less scared of him!
Having a premature baby or a baby in nicu changes you as a person, but in the most amazing way.
You are completely thrown in to it all and without question you will become stronger, braver and more confident.
I was once scared of my child but not in a bad way.
As a mother I was scared because of how much I already loved and cared for this little baby and yet I had to watch him fight for his life, but that fear also came with determination, the determination to do anything in my power that I could to keep my child happy, healthy and loved.