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I Was Once Scared of my Child

I Was Once Scared of my Child

Can you believe I just actually said that out loud!? I was once scared of my child... what a thing to say, but it’s true. I was.

And I think it’s something most parents of preemies can relate to.

When you first have a baby, it can be scary! But when you have a premature baby that doubles, not only are they small and fragile but they are not fully developed and that’s a fact. Not to mention all the beeping machines surrounding that baby.

When my son was born, I had an 11-month-old daughter already so how to take care of a baby was still pretty fresh in my mind but when it came to my son, I was petrified!

He was 6 hours old when I first laid eyes on him and I’m not sure what I was expecting, but what I saw was nothing like I could have imagined.

I couldn’t actually see his face because of the breathing machines and he was bruised from head to toe so when the nurses asked if I would like to change his nappy, I of course said yes to them because he was my son and that’s what was expected but deep down, I wanted to say no, I wanted to hide away and let them do it.

They were the professionals and were used to these tiny babies, I was not!

I’m sure I was actually shaking when I started to change his nappy, he had zero fat on him and I was honestly so nervous I was going to break him! I had never seen a baby so small and delicate.

The whole nicu experience is one I’ll never forget. The nurses were absolutely amazing but at the same time I felt like I should know exactly what to do because he was MY child. Yet I didn’t, and that scared me.

I remember when he got to a stage where he was ready to start trying with breastfeeding and the nurse coming over with a blanket because he was getting so cold, machines started beeping more than usual, he wasn’t latching and I was soaking him.

We tried it once more and the same thing happened. It’s something I often look back and regret not persisting with but at the time I was so terrified of doing it wrong that I moved on to bottle feeding.

However, that didn’t come without its challenges either!

From day one I loved him more than words could describe but it wasn’t until we came home than I became a bit less scared of him!

Having a premature baby or a baby in nicu changes you as a person, but in the most amazing way.

You are completely thrown in to it all and without question you will become stronger, braver and more confident.

I was once scared of my child but not in a bad way.

As a mother I was scared because of how much I already loved and cared for this little baby and yet I had to watch him fight for his life, but that fear also came with determination, the determination to do anything in my power that I could to keep my child happy, healthy and loved.

Firefly Blog

Real life stories, issues and experiences of day to day life by special needs parents and
healthcare professionals.

Amy Slaven

Meet Our Blogger

My name is Amy and I’m mum to Wilson aged 2 and Ava aged 3. Wilson has cerebral palsy effecting all 4 limbs along with CVI but it doesn’t let it stop him! He loves playing with his big sister.

View Amy’s Profile

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