A phrase that doesn't quite cover all the feelings inside and out.
That phrase is, 'All touched out' .
I breastfed all three of my children for long periods of time, my youngest being the longest.
It was truly amazing to see them grow and thrive while I was doing what I felt I was made to do.
But towards the end of my youngest child's feeding journey I started to get the feeling of being 'All touched out ' .
I had a river of feelings and emotions flowing through me making me confused and on edge.
I'd never felt this way before.
I knew how much comfort my child felt by feeding from me but I also knew we had done an amazing job to get that far.
I had this feeling following me around like a shadow, a feeling of wanting to be away from everyone, it was so strong I even wanted out of my own skin.
A cloud of demands silently above me.
At times I'm reminded of this feeling but for a different reason.
As I said I have three beautiful children, each different yet amazing...my nine year old son is severely autistic, a non verbal ray of sunshine.
But it's not easy caring for a disabled child. I wouldn't say it takes a special kind of person to do it because I'm not!
Far from it, I'm just a normal mum doing my best.
I do school runs, housework and cook, even walk the family dog. Just like every other person. Then I have other things to do like a constant stream of appointments to organise, prepare for and attend.
Mountains of paperwork to organise from therapy reports to EHCP.
I lift his wheelchair from the car and change nappies of a growing lad.
I deal with meltdowns and my sons self-harming.
I've learnt sign language and tried to teach my son to sign some words.
Ordering adult sized nappies and therapy aids.
Helping my other children cope with their own emotions of having a disabled brother. .
Like many mothers in my position I've put this pressure on myself to be the perfect mum and keep on top of the house, family life and being a good wife while being a good carer.
Beating myself up if a job gets missed, yet always having a smile on my face as I couldn't bare if people saw how tired I was.
How ' All touched out ' I was feeling from the pressure and demands of being a mother and a special needs parent.
But you know what? I'm tired of trying to be the perfect mum!
I am a good mum!
I make mistakes and do things wrong at times.
I forgot jobs and even the odd appointment has slipped my over crowded mind but my children are cared for and very much loved with everything that I am.
So who cares if I didn't do any washing yesterday or my children had a chip dinner Monday because I was exhausted.
So what if I don't get a chance to hoover today or I forgot to order more nappies?!
I'm still a good mum, my children are still cared for and smiling.
My son's care matters a whole lot more than hoovering and dust.
And maybe one day I'll put into practice what I so desperately want to do.
Ease the pressure I placed on myself and be happy with just being a good mum.