In fact I wouldn’t quite say abandoned, more like abused my physical and emotional well being.
I have eaten badly, drank too much and haven’t taken any responsibility for what I have been putting in my body, all the time making excuses and trying to prove that somehow I deserve a treat.
A treat is something you reward yourself or others with spontaneously, not something you include in your everyday life, as that becomes the norm.
Whenever we would have a bad day of Zachariah being unsettled or poorly, or an extra bad night where I’m lucky to get any sleep I would easily turn to food, food being the treat that I supposedly deserve for being a tired and grumpy Mummy.
And everyone around me would encourage this idea ensuring me that I’m allowed to treat myself again because I did an all nighter.
The thing is, this so called treat obsession has in fact damaged my body and my emotional state, as I have gotten bigger and ridiculously unfit and to be honest it’s made me feel rather disgusting, so how is this treat doing me and my family any good?
You know the big hospital appointments, the ones where you need to really get yourself in the zone and build up to?
Whenever we would have one of these, I would plan my treat in advance and have it ready for when we leave the hospital.
So I basically told myself that it was going to be a hard appointment and I would need a treat to make it all better again.
What I’m potentially saying here is, treats fix everything that I feel is hard to digest and out of my control.
As I type this out, I am beginning to realise just how unhealthy it really is!
As I’ve realised what I’m doing I have been trying to figure out how to change this frame of mind into something more beneficial for my well being.
For a start I’ve had to accept that I do not deserve these so called treats every time I’m feeling tired, upset, confused or lacking control, (the list goes on).
But learn to manage them in a more healthy way. The way I do this is pray, process all my worries through prayer and find peace that what will be will be, and that all will be good.
Whatever comes our way we may not be able to control but we can get through it together.
If it’s out of my depth then why waste time worrying over it in the first place, I keep telling myself.
This is hope and faith. These two things are what I have been lacking in my journey, without these two things I have been turning to food and alcohol to make me feel better.
It’s time for change!
Now I will be making some big adjustments to my daily routine, the first has being the start of a new diet, a diet that is primarily organic foods and drinks, everything natural and nutritious, it’s time to start giving my body the goodness it deserves.
The second has been signing up to a fitness group to get myself back into healthier state. I have set goals to keep me focused, one being to run two 10k runs for charity.
One of the charities being for Epilepsy, as my biggest frustration in my life as Zachariah’s Mummy is the nasty epilepsy, so I want to be active in trying to help find a cure!
It’s time to stop feeling sorry for myself and start making a difference.
As I am absolutely sure that when I start getting healthier I will start looking at life differently.
Yes, there will be hard days, but I will handle them with more positive and be proactive in trying to turn the day around.
I hope to be able to lift my son more easily and be fit enough to cope with his dramatic growth, as my biggest fear is not being able to cuddle my own son, and the way I’m going this could soon become reality.
I’m doing this to be a better me, a more able Mummy and Wife and to feel good about myself again.
I’ll conclude by saying, how can I expect other people not to feel sorry for me when they hear about how challenging life can be as a special needs Mummy when I’m actually here feeling sorry for myself and feeding my treat addiction?
What can you do today to make a difference in your life?