Today I'm feeling incredibly guilty for enjoying my time with just the girls while Ethan is at his dad's.
We have loved every minute of being able to jam pack our days without having to do anything medical.
We've been spontaneous and decided to go for a walk to the supermarket and a trip to the park.
It was lovely to not have to rush back for certain times. Being able to really enjoy playing was just lovely.
Just deciding we were going then a quick get ready was great rather than prepping and getting everything ready.
Then again today a lazy morning not having to stick to routines and a trip to town and a lovely walk using the girls bikes.
It has been so easy and nothing has been planned.
It's something I've needed for a long time but has left me with complete mum guilt it's unreal!
I feel guilty for enjoying this time because I miss Ethan so much.
I often feel guilty when Eths is here that he can't play on his own like Dakota can and even now that Florrie can too.
I feel like I'm constantly only doing the necessary things for Ethan rather than the fun things.
He has such a strict routine that needs to be adhered to and going out needs to be planned around those things.
I have totally appreciated just how easy having two healthy and happy girls have been this weekend.
I feel jealous of those that don't have to think about all we do.
I want to be spontaneous and not have to plan every inch of our lives but that's just not possible.
I've struggled for a while with feeling like things are getting harder and I feel guilty for every thought I have and every action I take.
I just can't seem to find a peace with everything at the moment.
This year I am making a conscious effort to spend more time with my family making memories.
2018 taught me that our time together is precious and although it's hard and we don't get much time together, when we do we have to make the most of it all.