I struggle with New Year as a celebration.
Don't get me wrong, I like a glass (or two!) of bubbles as much as the next person and often more than them. But living alongside a progressive disease like Duchenne means living day to day.
It's tough to think too much about the future, and in many ways it is tough to look back too much too.
My survival, and it's been a big learning curve, is based on trying to live in the present. Occasions that bring both future and past into sharp focus bring unwanted sadness and fear.
It's also the "new year, new you" bit that I find hard.
For many reasons, 2019 was a hard one. I did everything I could to keep myself going.
I think many of us live at the limit of our coping capacity every day and personally I have to work hard to forgive myself for the many, many times where I feel I should be doing it better, working harder, finding better solutions, being a better mum, carer, wife.
When it gets to New Year, the pressure is on to think of all the ways you can improve yourself, add things to the list of things you should be doing.
It plays on all my insecurities, makes me list all the things I need to do better.
Basically, I feel I need to add things to my "should" list, which frankly is long enough.
When Sebastian's diagnosis came along, so may things were added to my role as his mother that I often feel overwhelmed and as though I'm not up to the job. And suddenly everyone is talking about eating cleaner, exercising more, improving their lives, working out how to be a better version of themselves.
And I forget that I have been trying my very best, doing everything I am capable of, and that maybe, just maybe that's enough.
So here's what I want to say. This year's you doesn't have to be thinner, fitter, better, more patient, a better spouse, a better parent.
You don’t have to take on new challenges and you don’t have to feel like you need a personal overhaul for the coming 12 months.
Because all of us are doing the very best we can.
I don't mean stop trying. But I do mean don't add things on to the reasons that you're not good enough. You are enough.
Perfection is unachievable, even on the 1st of January.
Just you doing your best is enough.